Have you ever had a day when you wished that you could set fire to ALL (of the world's) gratitude journals, positive reminders, and affirmations?
In the past three months-- I have had way too many of them.
My bitterness ranges from a small, annoying drip to crashing, powerful ocean waves.
I do not feel in control of this. Grief sucks, and I choose to not look to closely at it.This loss scares the hell out of me.
I don't know if I am going to make it out of the dark this time. Colors look blah, foods taste bland, and even music sounds flat. Often times, there is not enough air in the room --and I must escape.
I have little patience for small talk, and bite my tongue often. It is easier to push people away.
Ten and a half month old puppies are not supposed to die. My "senior" dogs (that we lost this year also) had the luxury of time and so many happy memories with us. LB never had that time. We ran out of things to do to help him- and I am pissed about it.
It is easier to try to stay busy than it is to face truth. Easier is not necessarily better or healthier. This is why I am writing again. I am stuck in this oozing wound of loss of our fur babies.
Somehow-- I have to pull the hip waders on and walk through this shit called grief.
I hesitate to start this post on my blog.
I have got up twice since I decided to try and write.
I want to be honest and real with myself, and keep myself in "present tense" in my own life.
It just happens to be really hard today. I miss you.
Two weeks ago, we lost him.
I cry-- even when I type the words.
In my head, I know that it is better that he is gone. He fought valiantly. There was no way for him to win. We could not fix it. In my heart, I still feel like I failed.
I guess that it is good that I am busy. The distractions and obligations can keep me on "auto pilot" while I comprehend this.
This blog is one of the balls that I have dropped. This is on purpose...
It is very hard to get honest with myself and write. The sadness is too painful to touch.
I know that we go on. I will see him again in heaven.
I am just pissed off at this loss in my life.
Day two at the gym went well today. The introduction of one of the puppies with a friend's adult dog went well also. Two items on my gratitude list. The one thing that I want to work on from today (that comes to mind) is to not take for granted my time withmy favorite three year old.
I thought that bringing the puppy would be fun for her. I had hoped that she would like to play with him, and also that the puppy could get socialized. I was hoping for a win-win. As I reflect upon the afternoon, I think that there was guarded success and that the afternoon was okay. Nothing stressful or terrible happened, I just think that the rhythm of the afternoon was different. It was too busy.
There is nothing like a child or a favored pet to help you stay in the present tense.
Thank goodness for that
.
I realized tonight that I did too much "adult stuff" with my friends this afternoon. Next time I will play more. Just like my puppy today who did not know the correct way to play with the new acquaintance, I will learn and be more deliberate in my time to play with my friends.. I will try my best to look through the eyes of the child-- or the pup-- and see what they may want. Give and Take. I learn so much from preschoolers and puppies.
After a several month hiatus, we have rejoined our local YMCA. In our household it makes no sense financially, but it makes perfect sense from a health and wellness point of view.
I never thought that I could miss the gym but I did. No, I do not love the exertion or the heart rate increase. I absolutely hate the getting there and the warmup. But-- I do love the endorphins released and the sweat that pours. The cobwebs in my mind are cleared away and my shoulders are not so full of stress. I finally understand and can see it as an opportunity to renew.
This is the start of my birthday week. The actual day is on Friday, but I plan to find ways to be grateful every day. Last year I had grand plans of travel and road trips to take time out and contemplate. That did not happen. With car problems in two of the three family cars, I could not take away the only working vehicle. Life happens.
The puppies turn ten months old on my birthday also. I am so pleased that they are in this world and we can watch them grow. The owners are great about sharing pictures and I love to see them develop. They are such markers for time passing.
This week ahead (and the rest of this year) can be full of hope and purpose. It is about choice. It is about living fully -with intention. This is no dress rehearsal -so live it up now! The big things really are the little things of each passing day. Whether it is getting excited about "BLT season" or laughing in the park with friends, the time we have now matters.
Forget the measly checkbook balance, dirty floors, and smelly dogs.
We are enough. We have a safe home. We have wonderful children with fur. Maybe this is what God has been trying to teach me this year?
Being a loving, responsible pet owner is important to me.
I am also wise enough to seek help when something stumps me. My many years of life remind me that there is always more to learn-- about myself, my loved ones, and the world around me. I can be patient enough (and persistent enough) to ask the many questions necessary.
This summer is filled with lessons in humility for me. I know that God wants me to learn and I really am willing... I just wish that it wasn't so painful sometimes.
One of our puppies is incredibly sick. Roughly half of his heart is in failure and he has been turned down by WSU Veterinary School for open heart surgery. We treat him with numerous medications and excellent care from a team of doctors, but it is not fixable. We work incredibly hard for a quality life, not for quantity life.
Let me say that I would not trade one minute of time with LB for anyone else. I see the grace of our creator in his eyes often. His determination and appreciation of the smallest things is truly wonderful. I do not understand the reasoning behind this pathway in my life but I am trying to comprehend. The children with fur are appreciated and loved almost as much as the adult children. We are those crazy dog parents, be warned.
As we approach the fall season, I hope that we can find some balance and happiness for our pup and for the whole family. There will be new "starts" in jobs for a couple of us, and changes in many areas of life. I want to be optimistic and thankful.
We are fundraising for the continued care of our heart patient puppy. This is how I am asking for help, on the site gofundme.com for Lil Blackie's Medical Bills. I am trying to loosen my graspand open up to the Lord's plan.
My birthday is coming up also, and I hope for laughter with family, friends, and loved ones. I hope it is sunny and warm and peaceful. It's not about things to me, it is all about the experiences. Feeling the love--
I love it when you go to church on Sunday and the homily is still remembered on Tuesday.
I am pleased to say that I have been considering the Priest's words a lot during the last 48 hours. The readings were about Peter and his fears when Jesus walked on the water near the boat. Jesus called for him to come to him and Peter tried but fear got the best of him and he blew it. He called out "Save me Lord!" and Jesus did. He eased his anxieties and helped him. He loved him. He reassured him. All Peter had to do was ask.
I am a stubborn person who is used to doing things in my (mostly) orderly way. Like most people, I just have set patterns and behaviors that work for me. It really isn't that my plans are better than my friends or loved ones-- it is just that I will probably just carry on and try to "get my jobs done."
Our Priest pointed out the importance of trying your best and being okay with the times that things are notperfect. He challenged us to look at the times when we don't even try because we are sure that we cannot do it well. Those are the times when "Perfect" is the enemy of "Good." We dismiss new opportunities and challenges that we can probably do. We can learn to do it well or be good at it -in the future. We rob ourselves of the opportunity to suck at something, forgive ourselves, and try again.
It takes a lot of faith to wander into something that is foreign and to try.
I went to the local WINCO foods to pick up a few groceries. It was a quick trip because I only needed some produce, coffee, eggs, and raw almonds. The raw almonds are kept in the bulk food section in the back corner of the store. I had to go through the bulk candy. That is when I saw the bin filled with my latest obsession. Laffy Taffy-- specifically Banana Laffy Taffy.
I do not understand why this confection has caught my attention. It could be that I have baked my brain for too long. in the summer sun. Perhaps the heat has caused this crazy craving? I will be kind to myself and let this run its course.
Dogs can have food cravings too. No, they are not able to satisfy their urge without human help, but they can enjoy specific foods with an attentive owner. In our house, it is Lil Blackie who has a favorite food. His interest is more healthy than mine-- he loves WATERMELON.
Adjusting to the changes in our house without our Kelsey may be the reason why I am having a hard time posting to this blog. I wish that I could write something with substance but it is not in me right now. The world seems quieter without her. The baying of a bloodhound is a sound that I love and that I miss.
Small summer joys are what we will work on at our house for the rest of August. I have got to force myself to laugh each day and search for more ways to make memories with loved ones. Whether we want it to or not- life goes on. Loss and grief sucks. Hug your dog today. Let the sunshine bake your brain.Why don't you try to find a candy from your childhood that made you happy? Give your pooch a cube of watermelon -- he might like it.
We all have bad days. The key to getting through the bad day is to look at its relevance in the grand scheme of our lives. I ask myelf if we are doing everything possible to improve the situation in the healthiest way possible. I want to make sure that my efforts are full throttle. Regrets are a b**ch.
As an owner of several dogs, I tend to always have that nagging feeling of being spread too thin. I always hold myself accountable to a very high standard of care for my pets and I always wish that I could do more.
I just returned home from a veterinary appointment with one of the pups. This little guy is monitored weekly for some heart issues and is on several medications. His health is compromised but he doesn't know it. Most of the report from the doctor was good, but there is concern in one area.
Grief is a houseguest at our residence this year. We have suffered the loss of our wonderful bloodhound -only a week ago. She had over ten happy years with us, but it is still so hard.
It is time for me to focus on the positive and work on the rest. I will carry on.
Enjoy your Thursday.
Does completing a task really count if it is undone in under 24 hours?
What if it isn't apparent to anyone else. Does it matter? I need to remember that my reality is my perception. It can change the minute I change my attitude.
(the wise parenting of Violet,) I learn something of value from my pets every day.Often it is Gus's patience, Kelsey's steadfastness, or Carson's gusto. Today it is Violet's natural wisdom in her role as a mother.
If you are of the opinion that dogs do not think or feel, please stop reading this blog NOW.
This post was started a little over a week ago, before our life changed. Our eldest canine, a beautful 10 year old bloodhound named Kelsey is pain free in heaven, probably walking on a beach with Q.
I wasn't going to do this to myself on a Monday morning. My girl of ten years is not "sheriffing" the little ones. Our ship has lost its mast. The quiet in our home is painful for my ears.
Denial just keeps me flat lining. My macabre state of mind may never leave if I do not acknowledge the pain and accept that it is here. It scares the rest of my children with fur, who count on me for their care.
What do you learn from death? I guess it is to respect the present tense of life. I know that this is a "pat" answer, but most of us are caught up in our preparations for the future, or lists, or paying bills. It is very hard to be silent and still.
The aging process for pets can be rough -just like it is for humans. Her issues with ears, teeth, gums, hips, and liver were too much. The aging eyes added fear to the pain.
I would rather be heart broken than have her here- miserable. She would have gladly stayed but don't I owe her more? The beach, pain free and happy is what she deserves. I will see her again one day.
I will write some other time about my Violet's parenting skills.
Rainy summer days make it hard for dogs to enjoy the back yard. Rainy summer days make the dogs restless and bored. The puppies pester the seniors and they ALL bicker over the favorite toy of the day.
The prize today is a sad looking, torn up bunny. If you can picture Peter Rabbit as a Zombie, you have a pretty good visual of the toy. There is nothing about the bunny that is hazardous or that could cause a choking issue, but the toy is in its last days. As soon as my husband sees it tonight, the toy will be trashed. There will be no stay of execution from him. I buy the toys, the dogs destroy them, and he throws them out. Our family system is efficient and predictable.
The puppies remind me that Mother Nature makes the best toys of all. Rocks, pine cones, and sticks are a blast- until our humans stop us from hurting ourselves. My dogs think that we worry too much.
The sun is trying to make a break through the clouds, so our confinement may be temporary. I hope that this storm is over soon, because the brothers are sick of the puppies wanting to play "bitey face" over and over. Once or twice is fun, but that tenth time is a snore.
Oh -- to have hot weather and to be allowed to play in the wading pool! Maybe our humans will BBQ while we soak? Dinner in the back yard?
Happy times ahead, when the rain stops.
I think that I am jealous of writers who can blog everyday.
I honestly do not think that they have that much more to say than I do, I just believe they are better disciplined to carve out time to post. The schedules that they have put in place are working for them.
I have to ask --is my schedule is working for me?
I got away from my regular work and commitments this past weekend when I traveled to attend a funeral. I had several hours of "down time" that made me realize that I try to fill every minute at home. So much of what I do in my household is repetitive and is undone daily. Life is just happening while we figure out what to have for dinner.
I feel that I need projects with a clearer beginning and a firm finish line. Then perhaps this static of busyness will not be so blah. To live with more intention I must question what works and what does not.
When my kids were little I used to plan dinners with themes. Sunday we would grill, Monday was Italian, Tuesday was Chinese, etc, etc. This made it easy to set up a grocery list and the family was less bored with my cooking. Maybe I should have themes again?
Monday could be "discover a new part of our hometown". Tuesday could be "classic movie night from the library". Wednesday could be "hike a new trail and ice cream cone night". The possibilities are endless. Discoveries of new craft beers, kayaks, and bicycling are also appealing.
The biggest lesson concerning time that I learned this weekend is that it is finite. Whatever I want to do- I should do it now.
I hope that you enjoy your day.
Today looks like it may be one of those days that requires extra caffeine, lots of sunshine, and a kick in my own keister to accomplish my required work today. I have figuratively set fire to my gratitude journal and it will require a lot of work to rid myself of this funk. I still ask why and wonder how to fix it. Sometimes I just don't get it.
I drove 700 miles this weekend to attend a funeral of a dear friend's mother. The service was touching. She was a much loved lady and her children and grandchildren shared stories of their time together. All the static cleared away with the loss. Daily concerns about money, or repairs needed, or chores were put on hold. No one cared about job hunting, medical queries, or car issues. We just shared a meal and talked about our times with the departed.
The funeral was held in my hometown. It is a small mining town that is depressed economically.There are lots of homes for sale and many empty businesses. The quietness on the streets was eerie. This time I saw my old stomping grounds in a different light.
I truly believe that I am where I should be right now in my life. I take ownership for my actions and know that I can work hard to move forward. It just tears at my heart to see my loved ones battle medical issues that are the size of Mount Everest. Both humans and canines, and none of it seems fair.
I guess it is time to focus on where I want to be, instead of where I am right now.
The control freak that lives inside me does not believe that I cannot fix everything. Maybe the coffee is kicking in-- maybe some much needed perspective is fortifying my outlook? I hope so.
My dogs are huddling close to me this morning. These canines know me best and always offer their silent support. To just "be" in the moment-- that may be the grace in all of this. If I stop the struggle on my side- the resistance will fall apart.
Today my visualization will be holding my hands wide open. There is no guarantee that it will make my lousy mood better, but it cannot hurt to try, right?
I guess that I am one that did not appreciate my ten digits until one of them was injured.
I take for granted tasks like typing, buttoning up a shirt, tying shoes, and tearing open a salad bag when preparing dinner. The shooting pain (when I try to use it) reminds me that I better get creative and find means to do without my right thumb. This is hard.
With time I will heal. My fingers will be doing what they are supposed too- without stabbing pain. This problem is so small and will soon be forgotten. This is miniscule when I compare it to my loved one's heart problems.
Our main medical advisor is waiting for word from the two expert cardiologists. We are about six weeks into the medicinal regime and each week we have to tweak the dosages, pills, amounts,etc. It is all about the quality of his life. They tell me that quantitiy is not an option. I hope that they are wrong. The stubborn part of me so badly wants a miracle. The battle worn part of me asks myself "Why him?" He is so young.
Our oldest furry friend is having issues with aging. Her sight is poor but her sense of smell is still super (hurray for Bloodhounds) and she tires easily. The aches and pains seem to be increasing at a faster pace and I worry about her quality of life too. My emotions are all over the place today.
Maybe my thumb slaps me back to focus on now? Each time the pain makes me wince I want to ask for mercy, but not for myself. Not for me and my inconveniences, but for those whose health is compromised. I pray for grace in their lives daily and to feel the love and support of our Creator; for humans, for canines, for all.
I am listenng to an audiobook tape about Habits. I enjoy the subject so far, and it is making me reconsider some of my routines. I hope to replace them with healthier alternatives.
The author states that we have to "crave the habit." If we are to make this habit stick, the payoff must be deliberate and enjoyable. None of this is new information, but maybe I will hear it this time? I hope so.
The best way for me to improve my health is to consistently exercise, eat well, and lose some weight. To "age well" I need to protect the joints and keep the heart healthy. I know what to do- I just need to make myself a priority.
Fitbit can be a curse AND a tool.
I am trying to figure out the perfect way to "crave" the high numbers of steps, badges, etc. with the Fitbit tool that I use to track my movement. I do get excited when I reach my 10,000 steps each day, but the little kid in me needs to figure out a more immediate reward. There are three more discs with this booktape.
I hope to persevere and get to the point where my day does not feel right- without the endorphins and the sweat flowing. The hardest part is getting the cardio started. I can talk myself out of many things.
Dogs love to move.
One of the best parts of a dog's day is when he or she goes for a walk with their owners. It is so exciting for them when we grab the leash by the door. They never hesitate and deliberate. The great outdoors makes them happy and they are ready. I want that excitement when I lace up my shoes.
Words have great power and can carry so much meaning.
But, there are many times when a person can be at a total loss of them.
Sometimes a person's reaction -with no words at all- can say it all.
A person can talk till they are blue in the face, but will not be believed if the body language does not match. Honesty in voice, mind, spirit and stance must synchronize and match. Actions have got to match the story.
Dogs are excellent barometers to whether people are telling the truth or not. If your dog does not like someone, listen to that dog! You will not be lead wrong.
My words have been sparse concerning this blog for the past couple of weeks. Life is precious and a couple of my pets have serious health concerns. I am still at a loss with some of what is going on, so I cannot write about it right now. Too close. Too tender.
Does life ever slow down or do we have to stay still when the important parts happen? Centering myself and trying to "keep calm and carry on" is daunting. Emotions churn my stomach and I cannot see more than two hours ahead.
At this time in our pets lives we are juggling the medication schedule for six different pills, two eye drops, and one ointment. Three different dogs require the medication, and two of them also require eye and or ear drops. Our two year old English Bulldog named Violet still has to wear the cone to protect her eye, but the good news is that her scratch is healing. She has adjusted to the protective collar, but she still hates it. My mopey girl thinks this device is forever. She doesn't understand.
The humans in our household are blessed to only have to take vitamins and supplements. An occasional pain reliever or allergy pill sometimes, but there is nothing to administer for the humans like there is for the dogs!
This blog is not about complaining today, it is actually about gratitude. I am thankful for the medical care to help improve our lives. The responsibilties for these "children with fur" is not as overwhelming today as it was yesterday. I had a nights sleep (that was pretty decent) and I am ready to carry on.
It is a good day to get outside and get some sunshine on my head and be thankful for this day in May. Happy Wednesday.
Peanut butter is a big deal in our house. It is the favorite treat for most of our dogs, and we humans eat it almost daily. My favorite way to eat it is in a smoothie with spinach, protein powder, flax seed, cocoa powder, almond milk, cinnamon, honey and ice. Delicious! It taste like a peanut butter/chocolate shake and is very filling. It looks terrible, but the flavor makes up for it.
My dogs just love the taste of it. Our Violet has to continue medication for her eye scratch and the only way I get her to take a pill is by hiding it in a dime- size glob. She is an expert in finding a hidden pill in meat, cheese, or other snacks. She quickly spits the pill out as she munches on the treat. With the gooey spread, she just swallows without hesitation.
This Monday at our house is a quiet one.The trust and calm that lives inside our dogs is what I strive for in my human life. It is too bad that I do not have it right now. I feel like our family is facing a painful cusp that edges to a (hopefully) stronger path for our future.
This point of transition will require a lot of hard work and a lot of faith for all involved. I wonder if we are ready?
I am blessed to have the opportunity to create something new in the pet care market. With much guidance from the Women's Business Center, the Small Business Administration, and the Community-Minded Enterprises, I am writing a Business Plan and testing these new ideas. This time in my life is very exciting, but a bit nerve-wracking too.
I really think that the best lesson that I have learned so far is to just "dive in" and try!
My tendencies are to want to continue to fine tune my project forever. In my mind -I will always need to work on it and improve it. I am very critical of my own work and tend to over-analyze everything concerning dogs.
I love when God gives you signs that you are on the right path.
This new venture started in a classroom and that makes me happy. I finished my college experience last year (when I graduated) and I loved it. School and adult learning agrees with me and makes me happy. Learning can be energizing and I enjoy collaborating with positive people.
Age is not a limitation or barrier. Age can be that enhancement and make a life with value. Experience in many things can gel together to support new ventures. Trust in the integrity of the idea. Surround yourself with people who want to try new things. Listen to their ideas and support their projects too. It is more fun to collaberate than it is to work alone.
As most of you know, my English Bulldog named Gus is my constant companion at home. I can count on his presence when I have my first cup of coffee in the morning- through the day, till the house grows quiet and it is time to try and sleep again. I have been his favorite human for all five years of his life, even though my husband picked him out and named him.
With our newest additions of Lil Blackie and his brother named Carson, I have watched as these six month old puppies decide how they "fit in" with our pack.
It is caffeine time again and a not so early morning -which means that Gus is beside me as I write this blog. He enjoys his place at my left foot, resting on the cool, wood floor in the dining room. I enjoy being able to check in with him with a scratch behind his ears or to pet him on his back. Everyone in my household is a creature of their habits, and we appreciate the rhythms of our day. Carson wants to figure out how he "fits in" each morning.
Dogs enjoy being part of a pack. Most are very social and can have positive experiences if taught from an early age. Our female, Violet is restricted from her daily activities as she recovers from an eye scratch and it is traumatic for her. She loves her "take charge" days and does not understand why she cannot be with everyone else. Her pitiful whimpers at the bedroom door make me wish for a quick recovery. Her pack misses her too.
Gus has decided that it is okay if Carson joins our morning routine and sits at my right foot. He is patient with this wiggly puppy and loves that the pups want to be near him. Gus is the silent, patient uncle that is loving and loyal. They look to him as they figure out how they matter in the pack.
It is very easy for me to just focus on my work of the day and my efforts to complete it. I can bury my head in my projects and not look up from them. Today I will work hard, but I will look up and I will look down. I will look in the eyes of my loving dogs and be appreciative for the blessing of having them in my life.
When I was little dessert was a big deal. I am one of the youngest in a large family and money was tight. If my busy Mom had the time to bake we appreciated every home made morsel.
I am the busy Mom today but my immediate family is much smaller. I try to bake for my family but their reaction is different than my siblings in my childhood. The family is kind and appreciative but usually after one piece of homemade dessert, the remainder sits and grows stale. Sugary goodness has become the enemy and tends to be avoided by my adult family members.
Why is there such a difference between my childhood and now? As I watch half a double chocolate cake grow old, I ponder the reason that it lacks our attention.
Are we too busy to make our meals (and dessert) important? I know that I search for better ways to utilize my time each day to get more work done. My "to do list" is always longer than the time allotted to complete it. I believe that is the norm. Our busyness seem to be multiplying and I question whether it improves our lives. Is more (completion) actually better for life in the big picture?
Faith, Family, Friends, Job searching, Business creation, Classes, and Volunteer work. Toss in some rowdy English Bulldogs and a Bloodhound and I think -- maybe the chocolate cake might help me handle this.
Maybe it's my age? Am I a grown up because I mix spinach, flax, and protein powder with almond milk, ice and banana for breakfast?
When I started this blog I had the grand idea that I would be one of the talented group that could write everyday. I thought that I could count on myself to establish a routine of when to write and the words of substance could flow from the keyboard. I had hoped to use this blog to check in with myself and stay present in my own life. This web log could keep me living in the now-- to check in on my own life. Reality can be different from our grand ideas.
As I look back at what I have written so far, I view my work with kind eyes not critical ones. The point of this is to see my world as I am and to live intentionally. I want to create art (of some kind) and eat an apple each day. I do not take for granted that my Gus comes to find me. I think often of the glimpses of our past selves. I appreciate these markers in my life and enjoy the look back.
Audiobooks in the car are an easy way for me to enjoy books when I am too tired or too busy to read. They are a great way to learn about something new or be carried away to another time by talented voices. My favorite classic in audio form (and maybe top ten in written) is "To Kill A Mockingbird" by Harper Lee-- narrated by Sissy Spacek. Her voice is a perfect "Scout" and I love to listen at home (not driving) with eyes closed. I am transported back to childhood, tree climbing and the perfect father, Atticus Finch.
I wish that I had Atticus to explain to me what I should do when my world is crazy. I am not six years old, but his counsel at times of stress and anxiety would be appreciated. Maybe it is time to check out this one from the library again.
The puppies turned six months old today. They have the energy and the innocence of Scout at six years. There job is to grow up. They just bark at the world when it seems crazy.
When I went to Google to make sure I was spelling Miss Lee's name correctly and to check on the name of the state, the website told me that just today Harper Lee gave permission to allow this work to become an ebook. Incredibly COOL coincidence.
I do not always understand.
Sometimes my personal stubbornness or blinders skew the whole picture. When I get too far away from my true self, generally I get clumsy. I fell yesterday. I was mostly embarassed and suffer from a sore wrist, and bruised knees but I know myself. It is time to look at where I am on my own "List".
The generic horoscope in our local newspaper today stated "You would be a lot happier if you allowed others to take the reins. Consider everything you could do if you didn't need to be present." This is interesting and appropriate.
A caregivers hardest job is preserving and highlighting his or her own life. Understanding that this is not a dress rehearsal should be freeing. To live a life with intention is a grand goal. A life with intention is not shallow, boastful, or selfish. It can be considerate, humble, and selfless. Perhaps an intentional life is payment for the opportunity to be alive?
The way that a dog lives is interesting to watch. Whether is is a play time, nap time or bedtime, the dog generally gives in fully to the activity. There is not a huge internal fight as to whether or not they should rest or not. The dog is not concerned with the work of the day or the schedule for tomorrow. The dog just does it.
Seth Godin writes "Worry is not preparation, and anxiety doesn't make you better." in his ABC book for grownups. It is not a coincidence that I read that today.
My dogs are pretty considerate, humble, and selfless. You can argue whether their lives have intention or not, but I know for sure-- that they are more free than I am.
I should just do it. Hold on to what is important, and change and grow-- for my self, no one else.It is time to be less clumsy and more happy. No more tripping myself.
Veterinary care is very similar to medical care-- it is an art more than a science. Just when you think that you can bring in your loved bloodhound for a procedure on her ears, the blood tests side track you and make you wait. My senior citizen dog cannot be sedated until we figure out why her liver numbers are whacked. Her ears will remain sore and the growth in her right one still sits in the ear canal.
I am not a patient person. My tendencies are to try to fix something over and over and over until I exhaust myself, figure out a solution or find someone who has the answer. I do not like to wait on tests. I loved to study for them in college and I even liked taking them, but I hate to wait for answers from medical tests.
Life threatening health problems clear up all the static in a cluttered mind. The priorities concerning loved ones are crystal clear and as a caregiver I get to work. Many times I have done this with humans and many times with my pets. Cancer in siblings or seizures in senior dogs, all that is needed is love.
The best way to love a sick person or pet is to remember that the person (or pet) is still the person (or pet). The disease or illness is not them-- they are just fighting it to the best of their abilities. Their life is dramatically altered perhaps, but it should not rob them of their individuality. What made them dear to you in the first place is still there, the threatening health problem just takes "center stage" for this act of his or her life. It is not the only act, just an incredibly serious one right now.
Ten years of life (so far) for a large breed dog is phenomenal. My bloodhound has gifted our family with so much joy and I hope for many more days (years?) to come.
She wanted to go for her walk tonight. We almost kept her home, but I looked at her and knew that she wanted her normalcy, her routine. We walked her with the puppies-- at a slower pace than she usually goes. I don't think she minded the pace though, tonight I really watched her as she found new smells to sniff along the way. She loved the fresh air.
I was blessed to pay attention to the signs during our last two months with our Great Dane, Q. He was loved, cared for, and allowed to be himself for all of his years with us.We might be facing rough times ahead with Kelsey- but maybe not. Whatever it is, we can handle this together. We continue to wait for the medical tests.
March 29th was my deceased brother Ken's birthday. I wished him the happiest of celebrations up in heaven. In my idea of heaven, a party is still the way to acknowledge the day. I see our loved ones surrounding him and lots of candles on top of a cake.
Yesterday was my living brother Ray's birthday. Today is my living sister Theresa's birthday. What is sad is that I still feel closer to my sibling that is deceased than I do to the two (mentioned) that are alive. The one who is gone courageously fought cancer. The two with April birthdays fight self imposed limits.
I come from a family of eight children. We were raised traditionally with both parents in the home. Our hometown industries centered on open-pit mining, mainly copper and minerals. The winters were hard, the unions were tough and everyone was strong and good looking. (Apologies to Garrison Keillor - I could not resist.)
The posts spread over social media today tell me that it is "Siblings Day". The cynical side of me sighed at the fact that marketers have made up another holiday. I will not rush out and shop so that I can tell my brothers and sisters that they are special. I doubt that any of them will acknowledge it either. That makes me sad. I am not a "hallmark card for every occasion kinda girl" but the distance and misunderstandings between us bother me.
I am not optomistic concerning reconciliation with either one of these siblings. This is not pessimism, I am just a realist. Grudges from years past came through in the last conversations with these two-- and they took me by surprise. I know that I am as stubborn as they are. I wonder if they hurt about it as much as I do?
Our parents were the "glue" to our family, especially my dad. That job was passed down to sibling #4, but she has passed away also. There are six of us left and at best we are polite to each other. Maybe we are all afraid that we may splinter more?
I will admit that today my hormones are playing a part in this writing. I pray that my children can stay closer than I have with my siblings.
This is another way in nature that dogs are smarter than us.
On Sunday past, four of Violet's pups got together for a play date. This was the first time since going to their new homes almost three months ago. The boys remembered each other. Such happiness to see each other! Simple pleasure of each other's company. There were no worries about the disagreement with Obamacare costs, number of hospital visits, or refusals to give out cell phone numbers. The boys just accept each other where they are at. How evolved is that?
I am better at ensuring that my dogs eat healthy-- than I am with myself.
I said it. This is a sad but true statement concerning nutrition and well being of all in our household. I feel guilty but glad that there was only an 8 pack of cookies in the house. It could have been a lot worse.
My cookie O D came from too much stress and allowing the cookies in the house. I should know better. All that those circles of chocolate and creamy vanilla center will do to me is keep me awake late at night. They will not improve my health or sleep or help me live longer. Temporary oral pleasure that I will pay for physically (sugar crash) and emotionally (guilt).
My adult dogs were happy and satisfied with the salmon, sweet potato kibble in their bowls at dinner time.The pups were happy with the holistic coastal catch that they dined on tonight.
Why the disconnect for myself?
I think that it is laughable mainly because I am a salt lover -usually not a sugar fan.
We humans make things too complicated.
Would I be happier with two standard meals a day, served at the same time, in the same dish? Marketing tells us to add variety, more choices, and something new. Do all these choices really improve our lives or add to our stress?
My dogs never need the newest food or fad. They need to stay away from allergy triggers but that is not a taste bud issue, it is about health. Once again I need to do as I say.
Job hunting is such a test of patience and faith. Even the most optimistic person needs doses of happy to get through the process. I regularly bribe myself with either coffee or time outdoors in the sunshine. Both caffeine and vitamin D stimulate so I can accomplish daily goals.
Without the structure of a traditional job I sometimes flounder and waste precious hours. (example: Why did I surf Facebook for 2 hours? ) What steps forward should a person take hourly-daily-weekly? I would like to use this time in between jobs to really make a difference in my 2014.
Some recent advice from a job coach included the following; "to avoid burnout, a person should laugh everyday, and make art everyday." I like this plan. It is not as structured (anal) as my counting my steps, which I do- but I am pretty lousy at right now. It is more nurturing than counting my points,which I need to do again. I do not want to talk about weight loss right now.
Three simple things.
It is not so overwhelming. I have a honey crisp in the frig. I better get moving.
The morning snores of bulldogs napping is music to me. These gentle furry friends stop my "analysis paralysis" and keep me in the present day. I learn so much from my dogs.
I made the mistake of getting on the computer this morning BEFORE I got some work done. Not a good idea. When I do this it tends to put me in a mental slow motion that will stick until I break a sweat at the gym. Contemplation of two separate ideas seems to be how I am starting my Tuesday morning.
The first idea is a relevant quote by Byron Katie- posted today, stating
"Discomfort is the call to set yourself free."
The second idea is a quote on Facebook on George Takei's page: "One awesome thing about Eeyore is that even though he is basically clinically depressed, he still gets invited to participate in adventures and shenanigans with all of his friends And they never expect him to pretend to feel happy, they just love him anyway, and they never leave him behind or ask him to change." This second post is old in the social media world, but is something I should remind myself of daily. Many people in the world deal with depression and some of them are clinically depressed. I need to love them where they are at. They need to love me where I am at. What would the world be like with less struggle and more gratitude? My discomfort would lessen and I would be set free. I know that when I search for the good I always find it. I just need to put on the hip waders and walk through the sh*t. Persevere and get some perspective. These times do not last forever and I can make the most of what is here. I should stop expecting the bad. I am tired. Trust. Faith. Hope.
This might be another post that ticks off the grammar police.
My Monday musing is to be jumbled at best and perhaps confusing at worst. Changes and my comprehension of (the changes) need a great amount of caffeine to help me understand--- and we have a small java supply today.
I feel for my friends who are concerned about word usage, as misspellings seem to bother me, and my eyes stop at the error. With grammar I tend to look at the entire message of a writing. I am a '"visual" and tend to match a picture to everything I read. The writer's "voice" in the piece is appreciated and actually quite refreshing. Perfection tends to bore me. Yes, I drove my teachers bonkers because I found it such a snore.
With low coffee consumption and a slim, boring local newspaper- I had time to take pictures this morning and to consider the day ahead. This lovely Monday morning is easier to appreciate because we have sunshine. The sun shining will make it easier to function until I get an americano.
The puppies have finally mastered going down stairs! This is a huge change in their world. This mastery has opened up and expanded the lower half of the house, outside off the deck and the backyard. With new independence, the boys swagger with joy, realizing that "they are big kids now."
I tried to play with my photos and pixlr again. It is fun, but I better work on my list of work today. First on the list is more coffee. :) Happy Monday.
It is not at the time of loss, because shock sets in and is a needed coping mechanism. At that time the situation is so new that a person scurries and tries to comprehend. The mental paralysis at the time of loss buys the hurting person time.
It is in my nature to want to fix things. My "bulldog stubbornness" and tenacity can be attributed to growing up in a large family with modest means. There was lots of activity in the house and if I wanted to be heard, I better be loud.
It has taken me decades to realize that I cannot fix everything or everyone I love. There is no bravado in the last sentence, just honesty and a guilt that I need to release. How do I release the guilt and not replace it with bitterness?
My inability to repair is not from lack of effort. It is from my naivety in thinking that help is always wanted. Help is not always wanted. This is the place in my brain where I must welcome personal wisdom and grow-- I must not visit bitterness and allow it in. Bitterness will rob me of my present day. This is a struggle because I am tired.
Kindness has to start with me. I have to be kind to myself first and work on my personal repair list. I cannot bring back what I have lost, whether it be a dog or a person or a dream. Baby steps. Two hours at a time. Sunshine on my head as spring approaches.
Cooking is always more enjoyable if the recipe you are preparing has a family history. Memories can come flooding back while chopping, mixing or baking. I had a memory filled dinner prep time today making my mother's chicken crepes.
When I was a child my mother would let us pick our birthday dinner. For many years, my pick was always the same- her chicken crepes. A couple of times, she would try to talk me into something easier. I always refused to budge from the dinner preference and she would finally agree. Until I started making them years later, I never realized how hard I made her work.
The chicken that is available in the stores today is different than my childhood. Cheap rotisserie chicken to quickly shred was not available. Mom first had to bake or boil the chicken, cool it, then shred and prepare it, as well as make, flip and stuff the crepes. There were often 8+ people around the dinner table so that equaled a lot of hard work.
I wonder sometimes what my kids will tell their children about my cooking. Will it be the cross country breakfasts on Fridays? Perhaps the greasy eggs and bacon ritual before the high school football games? I really don't know butI hope that whatever they choose will be pleasant. I hope that they try to mimic the favorite dishes and tell their family of when and why it is important to them.
My dogs study my every move when I work in the kitchen. I swear that I can work on the family evening meal for an hour and they politely watch, but if their ingredients come out of frig (even before the bowls are placed on the counter) then--it is darn exciting! They are so easy to please.Anyone who thinks that dogs cannot tell time has never been late serving their dinner.
I think that it is because I am feeling old that I share the family history more and more. I hope to pass down history through food, or pictures, or words. This weekend I will get out the deck of cards and tell the boys about Georgetown Lake, hot dogs, sauerkraut and boiled potatoes -and playing gin rummy with my dad.
I did one last check of my cell phone before bed last night. I was looking to see if I needed to charge it overnight. It was such a pleasure to see a picture texted to me from a friend.
My eyes welled up with tears. I haven't seen her in a month and when you are a baby -that is a long time. She looks great! Happy and growing into her puppy feet. Her eyes are clear and mischievous, her coat glossy and healthy.
They are four months old now. Each one is unique, interesting and thriving in their new homes. I miss them but I am so happy with the families that each puppy chose.
This is the little girl that lives on the other side of our state with her human dad, Chris. Her name now is Poppy but I called her Avis. I am so glad that I know you.
Many times I have complained that a smart phone is an electronic leash. It can disrupt or distract from the present task. The work day is always extended with required availability for clients. I will not complain today. I want to praise the cell phone with camera and texting now! Sweet milestones can be captured and shared.
Poppy- I am so happy to see you.
Love, your crazy human Grammy
When the kids were younger, I knew the cookie recipe by heart--- half cup butter, half cup peanut butter, half cup white sugar, half cup brown sugar, egg, vanilla,etc, etc. It was easy and I could keep it stored in Tupperware and bake as needed for a dessert or snack.The kids are adults now and I don't bake much. I feel better with less gluten and none of us need the sugar.
Valentine's Day was two weeks ago so I purchased a package of Nestle ready made chocolate chip cookie dough. The square package contained 24 cookies ready to bake. We enjoyed some with the holiday meal but I put the remainder of the package back in the drawer in the refrigerator and promptly forgot about them. I remembered tonight.
The family does not share as many meals as it did when the kids were little. With jobs, school, volunteer work, and outside commitments, there are many days that we never see each other. The stars aligned this evening where we are all in the house at the same time and we were able to share a relaxed meal.
Perhaps the snow fall made it possible for all of us to be together.
The calendar tells us that the month of March has arrived. The month is definitely "coming in like a Lion". Mother Nature thinks that this means that the Pacific Northwest must be buried in snow. Our winter has not been as severe as the East coast- or even Montana in the month of February (where Missoula received 39 inches!) but tonight the clouds are dumping and I am glad to be home.
The fish tacos were tasty and dessert was appreciated. Everyone has left the kitchen and carried on with their evening plans. The only ones with me in the dining room are (of course) the dogs. It is too bad that the cookies had chocolate in them. They were delicious, but if it was just a sugar or a peanut butter -I could have shared them with my children with fur.
In the dog world- stepping down is much harder to learn than stepping up.
It is very scary for a puppy to go down the stairs and it takes a long time for them to get the nerve to try. Several times a day the dogs parade through the kitchen door, turn the corner, and go down the steps to the big back yard. The puppies excitedly follow the elders until they get to that first step. They want to be big kids but they hesitate. I am not really sure how long it will be until they master this.Going down is scarier than going up.
The little ones get disappointed when they are left behind on the deck, so Gus often hurries back to be with them. He is the "quiet uncle" compared to our noisy Charlie, but very attentive with the pups.
Do you think that it is harder for people to go down versus going up? I do.
Perhaps for people (and for dogs) going down requires more trust with each step. We must be assured that the placement of our feet is safe and secure so that we will not fall. It feels that we have less control with the descent and that we must contemplate our movements.
When we take steps and climb it is all about completing the task. We will get to the top and to our destination. Every climb is a subconscious goal and a small victory when finished.
I volunteer at a local food bank and each week I interview the clients and do the data intake on our computer. I am blessed to be the voice that can reassure the clients, especially the new ones. I get to be one of the first to meet them and welcome them to our nonprofit. We want our neighbors to know that we care and we are happy to serve. I enjoy this time and respectfully try to make a difference and make it matter.
New clients are often fearful when they come to us- the first time. There is already a lot of stress in their lives before they walk through the doors and something new can be intimidating. Anxiety over a job loss or a health problem creates a vulnerability and sometimes despair. They do not feel safe or secure and they feel like they may fall again. This emergency can feel like a step down or backwards and is depressing.
Whether we step into a food bank (or down some scary stairs) we have to trust that this fear will pass. We can master all of the ups and downs in our lives with help from our faith, family and friends. Whether trivial like the puppy skills that Carson and Lil Blacky are mastering or serious like fleeing domestic violence, all require action and prayer.
Please Lord, remind me that when I go up or when I go down - you are always there with me. Each movement and each day is in your glory and I am humbled by your mercy and love. Please help me with my steps and please help me when I fall.
Gus and I are very happy that we had one honeycrisp apple left in the refrigerator drawer. We needed healthy substance this morning and our cupboards are pretty bare. I had been sick with the flu for the last couple of days so all things domestic are lagging behind schedule.
Yes, my dogs eat apples. They make excellent treats with the fiber, pectin, and vitamin C. The only dogs interested this morning were Gus and one of the puppies-Lil' Blacky. This puppy loves everything that his Uncle Gus loves. Wherever he goes, the young one will follow.
Charlie has joined Gus and I at the computer as I write this blog. He has lost the tug of war (again) with Violet and wants Mom to console him. Violet almost always wins when they play games. She is determined and he is a gentle bubba. I appreciate that Charlie is so gentle. The patience needed for the puppies from the older dogs is real and it is a blessing. Next time Charlie, next time.
All of us would benefit from fresh air but it is too cold to stay outside for very long. The sunshine is lovely though, and greatly appreciated. The snow is needed for the water tables but I am really tired of it.
Gratitude! The honeycrisp apple with my Gus is where I will start today.
When I looked up the word "play" in the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, I liked the definition for play - as a verb- the best. The first meaning said that play is -- "to do activities for fun or enjoyment." The synonyms of this word include "dally, disport, frolic, recreate, rollick,skylark,sport, and toy."
When I looked at the definition as a noun it sounded serious-- "the conduct, course or action of a game." The noun continued to talk of "particular acts or maneuvers regimented in a game."
Fun or enjoyment versus conduct, course or action? I will choose the first. I want to use the word play as an action verb for the rest of my life.
There may be a lot of times in life when things happen that you cannot control. The best laid plans have goof ups. We control freaks of the world try to see our situations from every angle. Anticipation and analysis walk hand in hand with our every move. We use up a lot of our time contemplating the "what ifs" in preparation for the future. Why do we do this? I want to see the world in the "present tense". I want to stop letting life go by while I am making other plans. I want to let go of what did not work out and forgive myself for what I cannot fix. Those are hefty goals.
I disappeared into the bedroom tonight to attempt to write this blog. It is a quiet evening and I thought that I would try to review, write and create. This took my Gus by surprise and he searched the house for me. I heard his feet pitter patter down the hall and I realized he was wondering about my location.
I thought that he was asleep when I left him in the family room with my husband and his brother Charlie. He seemed quite content on the tile in front of the fireplace. He noticed that I left and that was not okay with him. I appreciate that. To him I matter and I know that he loves to spend his time with me.
Connections in life are a treasure and we often get busy and neglect them. Life gets too fast and the to-do list is too long and stress and anxiety set in. There are too many bills and too little money to pay them. The "shoulds" make us feel guilty and we get old.
I want to be like Gus.
The dog pack in our household has parameters and each dog knows their place. We have a couple of "Alphas" as well as the "Sheriff". The little ones are figuring out the roles they will play. For the most part, everyone gets along and life is good. Gus has never worried too much about how he fits in. He is just a part of it.
At times our family has joked about Gus and his meditative stances. It has been asked if "he is all there". There has been much talk about if he notices or pays attention to his surroundings. I am starting to believe that he has always had us outsmarted and knows exactly what the world offers.
He knows what he wants in his life. He loves deeply. He is loyal, funny, and happy. He never worries and he trusts. Each day is new and fresh to him -and he never holds a grudge.
I want to be like Gus.
There is a sticker in my car that says "Two hours at a time." I see it every time I drive and it is a reminder to me to not look so far ahead. Stop stressing about the future. I should stay present tense and focus on what is right in front of me. Dogs like Gus never need a reminder to stay in the present tense.
I am still at a point where I want to swear at God; "How the Fuck could you let this happen?"
In my head, I know this is wrong -but I am dealing with a broken heart.
Eventually I will realize and accept the truth - that he is holding me and comforting me, but for now it is too raw. It is Valentine's Day and I know in my head that I am blessed. I also humbly acknowledge that my problems are not as serious as what others are grappling with. It still makes me cry.
I feel that I cannot continue writing a blog if I skip over this loss, but this ten and a half year old gentle giant was more-- so much more-- than I can express on a computer screen.
How do you process it when you meet someone new- and that person reminds you of a younger version of yourself?
Is it an enjoyable recognition or is it filled with woeful angst and regret? My spouse had this opportunity this weekend and I must say that his emotions were varied. He saw the fire and passion in this young man and remembered the old days. It made him ask himself where that flame went and if it was extinguished with age.
As we age I think that we all question who we are. A big question that repeats itself is "Am I improving as I get older?" In order to answer this I guess you must consider how to measure the results.
The term "improving" must be qualified so that we can add meaning and worth. We ask if our basic four of physical health, mental well being, family and relationships, and financial well being are positive. Compared to our youth have these categories flourished? Then we consider our future to be better than the past. We have made it better if we can see some elevated, measured touch points in our lives.
Maybe it is because of the New Year that I want to review where I was and set up a plan or map of where to go. I want to be more contemplative or present tense in my own life.
When I see that person that reminds me of a younger version of myself I hope that I can smile. I hope that she is still similar to the me of today.
It is the beginning of the year, so most of us are trying to pay attention to our health.
I bought one of those gizmos that you wear on your wrist and it tracks your movement. I can keep track of my activity, sleep, calories, food, blood pressure, etc. At this time I only track the activity and the sleep; or my lack of efficient sleep.
I write about the bulldogs a lot but in posts in the past I have told you about Q. Q is a Great Dane that is 10 &1/2 years old. He is a senior citizen with a loving heart. He is also my reason for inefficient sleep.
Most mothers or spouses learn to sleep with "one ear listening and one eye open". Whether our loved one is young or ill or somehow in need during the night, we are listening and ready to help.
I have considered just getting a baby monitor for Q so that I can sleep in a different bedroom. I have nixed that idea because I see that he finds comfort in the fact that we are in the same room. He wakes in the dark night and searches for reassurance. Many times he is unsure of where he is and his eyes are aged. I enjoy the days I have with him because I know that they are finite.
My attitude adjustment is underway even in my sleep-deprived state of being. I commit to have a "willing heart" daily and recommit each time I fail. My stumbles can be hourly, and are silly if I put them in perspective, but they are mine.
I must cherish the struggle because it is a gift to be alive and still BE struggling.
I understand and appreciate those that have left us at too early of an age. My face reddens with my self centered view.
It is easy to forget how finite life is when I am surrounded by goofy puppies. They are filled with joy and love to play. They wrestle and run and when they tire- they drop and nap. The chorus of snores is reassuring and sweet.
My caffeine consumption will not be decreasing this year. My sleep will continue to be inefficient and I am all right with that. Forgive me if you see me and I appear to be in a fog. For my friend, I don't mind being awake and being there.
I have a few years under my belt. With such personal longevity- why didn't wisdom present itself and take notice in my brain?
It is late at night as I write this and I look around me at my two oldest dogs. These senior dogs are honest and true to their nature. They are comfortable in their own skin and fur. They do not miss the today by worrying about the tomorrow.
I will feel less stifled when I understand what is going to happen in the next month. But, I will not understand what happens without letting go of control and being open to receive. I cannot accept with a clenched, closed hand- tightly holding on. It must be loose and open and ready to accept.
Lord, please don't teach me anything new today- I am still struggling with yesterday's work.
One of the few pictures that I have of myself that is framed and on display is from my childhood in Butte. I guess that I was about two and a half years old. I am sitting on the floor in our house surrounded by our dog Sugar's litter of long haired Collie puppies. My hair is in pigtails, and the smile on my face is lighting up the picture. I guess that even at that young age I knew that I love dogs.
There are days as a dog parent that warm your heart. There are also days that shake you to the core. Often both emotions and everything in between can happen on the same day. The last twenty four hours have presented this full range of emotions for me. From my freaking out at the failed attempt to quickly crate train the puppies last night (slap myself on the forehead)-- to listening to their peaceful snores while typing tonight on my laptop. Such failure and now such contentment in one day.
Perception is Reality. I need to remind myself of this truth about a dozen times a day! I guess Will Rogers said it best with "Don't let yesterday use up too much of today". Staying in the present tense of my own life is difficult. I am a list-maker, multi-tasker, and planner all rolled into one.This is such a challenge ahead of me. I will need more than lucky wishes.
When you insert an image in a blog writing you are given the choice of the size of the the picture in relation to the post itself. I chose "large" on purpose and hope that it looks great. The extra large was kind of blurry but I want you to see the happiness in my boy. No matter how clear the photograph is -Charlie's smile -in person- is 100 times better!
I did not get the aerobic/endorphin sweat that I mentioned last post.My mood has improved a little bit. I got some perspective and peace through prayer and quiet time. I feel that this new calendar year will be filled with change and equilibrium restored. Priorities will be clear and that will be celebrated. The beauty of the "present tense" will glare at me if I choose to keep my eyes open and engage. It will be a challenge for me to not get "caught in my own head" and analyze to death. It is in my nature to over think. I must follow Charlie's lead.
The big lug in the picture above gets in trouble more often than the other dogs in my pack. He feels, he acts, and he even reacts before he thinks about what is going on around him. Gut instinct is job one! in his day. That is so different than humans. Maybe Charlie has it right and I have it wrong.
Imagine a world where you made a decision just after your own review. No experts, lawyers, advisers, peers, partners, statisticians, pollsters, or Google if unsure. Just have trust in yourself. Scary or liberating? Maybe it would be wonderful. It might make me smile.
