fresh eyes

Perhaps the new start of the year 2015 will give me the opportunity to see things how they are, not how I want them to be? 
I ask this (as a question to myself) because I realize how emotionally buried I have been for at least the last six months. The intense Summer-- with the care of our little cardiac guy. The Fall-- filled with the grief of running out of ways to help him.
I feel shattered (still)  but realize it is time to resolve to my reality and step forward.

I work with dogs daily at a local dog daycare. I LOVE THE DOGS. 
I appreciate their honesty and authenticity. Dogs stay "present tense" and do not get caught in stories. I am "present tense" with them always- and I can focus on how best to serve them. They respond instantly.  There is no awkward silence-- like there is with humans.

Fresh eyes. New Year. Look to my dogs when I am unsure.

Happy 2015!       I sure hope it will be...

preschoolers and puppies

Day two at the gym went well today. The introduction of one of the puppies with a friend's adult dog went well also. Two items on my gratitude list. The one thing that I want to work on from today (that comes to mind) is to not take for granted my time with my favorite three year old.

I thought that bringing the puppy would be fun for her. I had hoped that she would like to play with him, and also that the puppy could get socialized. I was hoping for a win-win. As I reflect upon the afternoon, I think that there was guarded success and that the afternoon was okay. Nothing stressful or terrible happened,  I just think that the rhythm of the afternoon was different. It was too busy.

There is nothing like a child or a favored pet to help you stay in the present tense.
Thank goodness for that
.
I realized tonight that I did too much "adult stuff" with my friends this afternoon. Next time I will play more. Just like my puppy today who did not know the correct way to play with the new acquaintance, I will learn and be more deliberate in my time to play with my friends.. I will try my best to look through the eyes of the child-- or the pup-- and see what they may want. Give and Take. I learn so much from preschoolers and puppies.

sometimes you wish you could b**ch slap an optimist

Today looks like it may be one of those days that requires extra caffeine, lots of sunshine, and a kick in my own keister to accomplish my required work today. I have figuratively set fire to my gratitude journal and it will require a lot of work to rid myself of this funk. I still ask why and wonder how to fix it.
Sometimes I just don't get it.

I drove 700 miles this weekend to  attend a funeral of a dear friend's mother. The service was touching. She was a much loved lady and her children and grandchildren shared stories of their time together. All the static cleared away with the loss. Daily concerns about money, or repairs needed, or chores were put on hold. No one cared about job hunting, medical queries, or car issues. We just shared a meal and talked about our times with the departed.

The funeral was held in my hometown. It is a small mining town that is depressed economically.There are lots of homes for sale and many empty businesses. The quietness on the streets was eerie. This time I saw my old stomping grounds in a different light.  

I truly believe that I am where I should be right now in my life. I take ownership for my actions and know that I can work hard to move forward. It just tears at my heart to see my loved ones battle medical issues that are the size of Mount Everest. Both humans and canines, and none of it seems fair.

I guess it is time to focus on where I want to be, instead of where I am right now. 
The control freak that lives inside me does not believe that I cannot fix everything. Maybe the coffee is kicking in-- maybe some much needed perspective is fortifying my outlook? I hope so.

My dogs are huddling close to me this morning. These canines know me best and always offer their silent support. To just "be" in the moment-- that may be the grace in all of this. If I stop the struggle on my side- the resistance will fall apart.  

Today my visualization will be holding my hands wide open. There is no guarantee that it will make my lousy mood better, but it cannot hurt to try, right?

and my Gus comes to find me...

I disappeared into the bedroom tonight to attempt to write this blog. It is a quiet evening and I thought that I would try to review, write and create. This took my Gus by surprise and he searched the house for me. I heard his feet pitter patter down the hall and I realized he was wondering about my location.

I thought that he was asleep when I left him in the family room with my husband and his brother Charlie. He seemed quite content on the tile in front of the fireplace. He noticed that I left and that was not okay with him. I appreciate that. To him I matter and I know that  he loves to spend his time with me.

Connections in life are a treasure and we often get busy and neglect them. Life gets too fast and the to-do list is too long and stress and anxiety set in. There are too many bills and too little money to pay them. The "shoulds" make us feel guilty and we get old.

I want to be like Gus.  

The dog pack in our household has parameters and each dog knows their place. We have a couple of "Alphas" as well as the "Sheriff". The little ones are figuring out the roles they will play. For the most part, everyone gets along and life is good. Gus has never worried too much about how he fits in. He is just a part of it.

At times our family has joked about Gus and his meditative stances. It has been asked if "he is all there". There has been much talk about if he notices or pays attention to his surroundings. I am starting to believe that he has always had us outsmarted and knows exactly what the world offers.

He knows what he wants in his life. He loves deeply. He is loyal, funny, and happy. He never worries and he trusts. Each day is new and fresh to him -and he never holds a grudge.

I want to be like Gus.

There is a sticker in my car that says "Two hours at a time." I see it every time I drive and it is a reminder to me to not look so far ahead. Stop stressing about the future. I should stay present tense and focus on what is right in front of me. Dogs like Gus never need a reminder to stay in the present tense.

He matters to me too.