It is not at the time of loss, because shock sets in and is a needed coping mechanism. At that time the situation is so new that a person scurries and tries to comprehend. The mental paralysis at the time of loss buys the hurting person time.
It is in my nature to want to fix things. My "bulldog stubbornness" and tenacity can be attributed to growing up in a large family with modest means. There was lots of activity in the house and if I wanted to be heard, I better be loud.
It has taken me decades to realize that I cannot fix everything or everyone I love. There is no bravado in the last sentence, just honesty and a guilt that I need to release. How do I release the guilt and not replace it with bitterness?
My inability to repair is not from lack of effort. It is from my naivety in thinking that help is always wanted. Help is not always wanted. This is the place in my brain where I must welcome personal wisdom and grow-- I must not visit bitterness and allow it in. Bitterness will rob me of my present day. This is a struggle because I am tired.
Kindness has to start with me. I have to be kind to myself first and work on my personal repair list. I cannot bring back what I have lost, whether it be a dog or a person or a dream. Baby steps. Two hours at a time. Sunshine on my head as spring approaches.
It starts right now.
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