Double Pulmonary Stenosis with Partial Heart Failure

Two weeks ago, we lost him.
 I cry-- even when I type the words.

In my head, I know that it is better that he is gone. He fought valiantly. There was no way for him to win. We could not fix it. In my heart, I still feel like I failed.
I guess that it is good that I am  busy. The distractions and obligations can keep me on "auto pilot" while I comprehend this.

This blog is one of the balls that I have dropped.   This is on purpose...
It is very hard to get honest with myself and write. The sadness is too painful to touch.
 I know that we go on.  I will see him again in heaven.
I am just pissed off at this loss in my life.

preschoolers and puppies

Day two at the gym went well today. The introduction of one of the puppies with a friend's adult dog went well also. Two items on my gratitude list. The one thing that I want to work on from today (that comes to mind) is to not take for granted my time with my favorite three year old.

I thought that bringing the puppy would be fun for her. I had hoped that she would like to play with him, and also that the puppy could get socialized. I was hoping for a win-win. As I reflect upon the afternoon, I think that there was guarded success and that the afternoon was okay. Nothing stressful or terrible happened,  I just think that the rhythm of the afternoon was different. It was too busy.

There is nothing like a child or a favored pet to help you stay in the present tense.
Thank goodness for that
.
I realized tonight that I did too much "adult stuff" with my friends this afternoon. Next time I will play more. Just like my puppy today who did not know the correct way to play with the new acquaintance, I will learn and be more deliberate in my time to play with my friends.. I will try my best to look through the eyes of the child-- or the pup-- and see what they may want. Give and Take. I learn so much from preschoolers and puppies.

a Sunday afternoon sweat

After a several month hiatus, we have rejoined our local YMCA. In our household it makes no sense financially, but it makes perfect sense from a health and wellness point of view.

I never thought that I could miss the gym but I did. No, I do not love the exertion or the heart rate increase. I absolutely hate the getting there and the warmup. But-- I do love the endorphins released and the sweat that pours. The cobwebs in my mind are cleared away and my shoulders are not so full of stress. I finally understand and can see it as an opportunity to renew.

This is the start of my birthday week. The actual day is on Friday, but I plan to find ways to be grateful every day. Last year I had grand plans of travel and road trips to take time out and contemplate. That did not happen. With car problems in two of the three family cars, I could not take away the only working vehicle. Life happens. 

The puppies turn ten months old on my birthday also. I am so pleased that they are in this world and we can watch them grow. The owners are great about sharing pictures and I love to see them develop. They are such markers for time passing.  

This week ahead (and the rest of this year) can be full of hope and purpose. It is about choice. It is about living fully -with intention. This is no dress rehearsal -so live it up now! The big things really are the little things of each passing day. Whether it is getting excited about "BLT season" or laughing in the park with friends, the time we have now matters.

Forget the measly checkbook balance, dirty floors, and smelly dogs.
We are enough. We have a safe home. We have wonderful children with fur.
Maybe this is what God has been trying to teach me this year?

I learn a lot by asking for help.

Being a loving, responsible pet owner is important to me.
I am also wise enough to seek help when something stumps me. My many years of life remind me that there is always more to learn-- about myself, my loved ones, and the world around me. I can be patient enough (and persistent enough) to ask the many questions necessary.

This summer is filled with lessons in humility for me. I know that God wants me to learn and I really am willing... I just wish that it wasn't so painful sometimes. 

One of our puppies is incredibly sick. Roughly half of his heart is in failure and he has been turned down by WSU Veterinary School for open heart surgery. We treat him with numerous medications and excellent care from a team of doctors, but it is not fixable. We work incredibly hard for a quality life, not for quantity life. 

Let me say that I would not trade one minute of time with LB for anyone else. I see the grace of our creator in his eyes often. His determination and appreciation of the smallest things is truly wonderful. I do not understand the reasoning behind this pathway in my life but I am trying to comprehend. The children with fur are appreciated and loved almost as much as the adult children.  We are those crazy dog parents, be warned.

As we approach the fall season, I hope that we can find some balance and happiness for our pup and for the whole family. There will be new "starts" in jobs for a couple of us, and changes in many areas of life. I want to be optimistic and thankful.

We are fundraising for the continued care of our heart patient puppy. This is how I am asking for help, on the site gofundme.com for Lil Blackie's Medical Bills. I am trying to loosen my grasp and open up to the Lord's plan. 

My birthday is coming up also, and I hope for laughter with family, friends, and loved ones. I hope it is sunny and warm and peaceful. It's not about things to me, it is all about the experiences. Feeling the love--

I hope that you do too..

the favorite dog toy

Rainy summer days make it hard for dogs to enjoy the back yard. Rainy summer days make the dogs restless and bored. The puppies pester the seniors and they ALL bicker over the favorite toy of the day. 

The prize today is a sad looking, torn up bunny. If you can picture Peter Rabbit as a Zombie, you have a pretty good visual of the toy.  There is nothing about the bunny that is hazardous or that could cause a choking issue, but the toy is in its last days. As soon as my husband sees it tonight, the toy will be trashed. There will be no stay of execution from him. I buy the toys, the dogs destroy them, and he throws them out. Our family system is efficient and predictable.

The puppies remind me that Mother Nature makes the best toys of all. Rocks, pine cones, and sticks are a blast- until our humans stop us from hurting ourselves. My dogs think that we worry too much.

The sun is trying to make a break through the clouds, so our confinement may be temporary. I hope that this storm is over soon, because the brothers are sick of the puppies wanting to play "bitey face" over and over. Once or twice is fun, but that tenth time is a snore.

Oh -- to have hot weather and to be allowed to play in the wading pool! Maybe our humans will BBQ while we soak? Dinner in the back yard?
Happy times ahead, when the rain stops.

Carson's eyes

As most of you know, my English Bulldog named Gus is my constant companion at home. I can count on his presence when I have my first cup of coffee in the morning- through the day, till the house grows quiet and it is time to try and sleep again. I have been his favorite human for all five years of his life, even though my husband picked him out and named him.

With our newest additions of Lil Blackie and his brother named Carson, I have watched as these six month old puppies decide how they "fit in" with our pack.

It is caffeine time again and a not so early morning -which means that Gus is beside me as I write this blog. He enjoys his place at my left foot, resting on the cool, wood floor in the dining room. I enjoy being able to check in with him with a scratch behind his ears or to pet him on his back. Everyone in my household is a creature of their habits, and we appreciate the rhythms of our day.
Carson wants to figure out how he "fits in" each morning.

Dogs enjoy being part of a pack. Most are very social and can have positive experiences if taught from an early age. Our female, Violet is restricted from her daily activities as she recovers from an eye scratch and it is traumatic for her. She loves her "take charge" days and does not understand why she cannot be with everyone else. Her pitiful whimpers at the bedroom door make me wish for a quick recovery. Her pack misses her too.

Gus has decided that it is okay if Carson joins our morning routine and sits at my right foot. He is patient with this wiggly puppy and loves that the pups want to be near him. Gus is the silent, patient uncle that is loving and loyal. They look to him as they figure out how they matter in the pack. 

It is very easy for me to just focus on my work of the day and my efforts to complete it. I can bury my head in my projects and not look up from them. Today I will work hard, but I will look up and I will look down. I will look in the eyes of my loving dogs and be appreciative for the blessing of having them in my life.