isolation, wrist breaks and writer's block

My dominant hand is my left.
Almost three months ago, I fell on the ice near my mail box and broke my left wrist in two places. In a split second I went from closing my mail box to realizing I crashed hard on the ground. The sheer force of my fall landed on my wrist.

You are not supposed to brace yourself when you fall. 
I just reacted.I never had time to think, If I would have just landed on my back or side, the bruising would have been substantial, but there probably would not have been any breaks.
This icy day has led to many humbling discoveries and way too much time to analyze everything.

In the last ten weeks, I have gone from splint to purple cast to orange cast to brace. I still have three weeks of therapy and strength building. It has been a long winter. 

One of the humbling discoveries that I have made is how hard it is to be isolated. 
Both of my jobs had to be put on hold.  I was forced to do a whole lot of nothing.  I tried to figure out how to do most things with my right hand. I overused it and ended up with a stress fracture and a brace. Oh joy.

My loved ones are awesome and I guess that life goes on. I still whine a bit too much to those who will listen, but I can see the end and my return to my sense of normal.

I hope to learn from this. 

Double Pulmonary Stenosis with Partial Heart Failure

Two weeks ago, we lost him.
 I cry-- even when I type the words.

In my head, I know that it is better that he is gone. He fought valiantly. There was no way for him to win. We could not fix it. In my heart, I still feel like I failed.
I guess that it is good that I am  busy. The distractions and obligations can keep me on "auto pilot" while I comprehend this.

This blog is one of the balls that I have dropped.   This is on purpose...
It is very hard to get honest with myself and write. The sadness is too painful to touch.
 I know that we go on.  I will see him again in heaven.
I am just pissed off at this loss in my life.

I learn a lot by asking for help.

Being a loving, responsible pet owner is important to me.
I am also wise enough to seek help when something stumps me. My many years of life remind me that there is always more to learn-- about myself, my loved ones, and the world around me. I can be patient enough (and persistent enough) to ask the many questions necessary.

This summer is filled with lessons in humility for me. I know that God wants me to learn and I really am willing... I just wish that it wasn't so painful sometimes. 

One of our puppies is incredibly sick. Roughly half of his heart is in failure and he has been turned down by WSU Veterinary School for open heart surgery. We treat him with numerous medications and excellent care from a team of doctors, but it is not fixable. We work incredibly hard for a quality life, not for quantity life. 

Let me say that I would not trade one minute of time with LB for anyone else. I see the grace of our creator in his eyes often. His determination and appreciation of the smallest things is truly wonderful. I do not understand the reasoning behind this pathway in my life but I am trying to comprehend. The children with fur are appreciated and loved almost as much as the adult children.  We are those crazy dog parents, be warned.

As we approach the fall season, I hope that we can find some balance and happiness for our pup and for the whole family. There will be new "starts" in jobs for a couple of us, and changes in many areas of life. I want to be optimistic and thankful.

We are fundraising for the continued care of our heart patient puppy. This is how I am asking for help, on the site gofundme.com for Lil Blackie's Medical Bills. I am trying to loosen my grasp and open up to the Lord's plan. 

My birthday is coming up also, and I hope for laughter with family, friends, and loved ones. I hope it is sunny and warm and peaceful. It's not about things to me, it is all about the experiences. Feeling the love--

I hope that you do too..

without use of my right thumb

I guess that I am one that did not appreciate my ten digits until one of them was injured.
I take for granted tasks like typing, buttoning up a shirt, tying shoes, and tearing open a salad bag when preparing dinner. The shooting pain (when I try to use it) reminds me that I better get creative and find means to do without my right thumb.  This is hard.

With time I will heal. My fingers will be doing what they are supposed too- without stabbing pain. This problem is so small and will soon be forgotten. This is miniscule when I compare it to my loved one's heart problems.

Our main medical advisor is waiting for word from the two expert cardiologists. We are about six weeks into the medicinal regime and each week we have to tweak the dosages, pills, amounts,etc. It is all about the quality of his life. They tell me that quantitiy is not an option. I hope that they are wrong. The stubborn part of me so badly wants a miracle. The battle worn part of me asks myself "Why him?"  He is so young.

Our oldest furry friend is having issues with aging. Her sight is poor but her sense of smell is still super (hurray for Bloodhounds) and she tires easily. The aches and pains seem to be increasing at a faster pace and I worry about her quality of life too.
My emotions are all over the place today. 

Maybe my thumb slaps me back to focus on now? Each time the pain makes me wince I want to ask for mercy, but not for myself. Not for me and my inconveniences, but for those whose health is compromised. I pray for grace in their lives daily and to feel the love and support of our Creator; for humans, for canines, for all.

it will come to me

Words have great power and can carry so much meaning.
But, there are many times when a person can be at a total loss of them.
Sometimes a person's reaction -with no words at all- can say it all. 

A person can talk till they are blue in the face, but will not be believed if the body language does not match. Honesty in voice, mind, spirit and stance must synchronize and match. Actions have got to match the story.

Dogs are excellent barometers to whether people are telling the truth or not. If your dog does not like someone, listen to that dog! You will not be lead wrong.

My words have been sparse concerning this blog for the past couple of weeks. Life is precious and a couple of my pets have serious health concerns. I am still at a loss with some of what is going on, so I cannot write about it right now. Too close. Too tender.

Does life ever slow down or do we have to stay still when the important parts happen? Centering myself and trying to "keep calm and carry on" is daunting. Emotions churn my stomach and I cannot see more than two hours ahead.

I wish everyone a genuine Monday. 

waiting is hard

Veterinary care is very similar to medical care-- it is an art more than a science. Just when you think that you can bring in your loved bloodhound for a procedure on her ears, the blood tests side track you and make you wait. My senior citizen dog cannot be sedated until we figure out why her liver numbers are whacked. Her ears will remain sore and the growth in her right one still sits in the ear canal.

I am not a patient person. My tendencies are to try to fix something over and over and over until I exhaust myself, figure out a solution or find someone who has the answer. I do not like to wait on tests. I loved to study for them in college and I even liked taking them, but I hate to wait for answers from medical tests.

Life threatening health problems clear up all the static in a cluttered mind. The priorities concerning loved ones are crystal clear and as a caregiver I get to work. Many times I have done this with humans and many times with my pets. Cancer in siblings or seizures in senior dogs, all that is needed is love.

The best way to love a sick person or pet is to remember that the person (or pet) is still the person (or pet). The disease or illness is not them-- they are just fighting it to the best of their abilities. Their life is dramatically altered perhaps, but it should not rob them of their individuality. What made them dear to you in the first place is still there, the threatening health problem just takes "center stage" for this act of his or her life. It is not the only act, just an incredibly serious one right now.  

Ten years of life (so far) for a large breed dog is phenomenal. My bloodhound has gifted our family with so much joy and I hope for many more days (years?) to come.
She wanted to go for her walk tonight. We almost kept her home, but I looked at her and knew that she wanted her normalcy, her routine. We walked her with the puppies-- at a slower pace than she usually goes. I don't think she minded the pace though, tonight I really watched her as she found new smells to sniff along the way. She loved the fresh air.

I was blessed to pay attention to the signs during our last two months with our Great Dane, Q. He was loved, cared for, and allowed to be himself for all of his years with us.We might be facing rough times ahead with Kelsey- but maybe not. Whatever it is, we can handle this together. We continue to wait for the medical tests.