I love when bulldogs snore.
The sounds of fur children at rest is heart warming and reassuring. No matter how cold it is outside- or how much snow may be in the clouds, right now we can relax and regroup. Our weary bones can rest. The busy day of chores, exercise, errands and grocery shopping is behind us.
Simple Saturday nights filled with snoring dogs, silent cell phones, and super hot water to soak in.
It is safe to say that it is- super.
Perhaps the new start of the year 2015 will give me the opportunity to see things how they are, not how I want them to be?
I ask this (as a question to myself) because I realize how emotionally buried I have been for at least the last six months. The intense Summer-- with the care of our little cardiac guy. The Fall-- filled with the grief of running out of ways to help him.
I feel shattered (still) but realize it is time to resolve to my reality and step forward.
I work with dogs daily at a local dog daycare.I LOVE THE DOGS.
I appreciate their honesty and authenticity. Dogs stay "present tense" and do not get caught in stories. I am "present tense" with them always- and I can focus on how best to serve them. They respond instantly. There is no awkward silence-- like there is with humans.
Fresh eyes. New Year. Look to my dogs when I am unsure.
Day two at the gym went well today. The introduction of one of the puppies with a friend's adult dog went well also. Two items on my gratitude list. The one thing that I want to work on from today (that comes to mind) is to not take for granted my time withmy favorite three year old.
I thought that bringing the puppy would be fun for her. I had hoped that she would like to play with him, and also that the puppy could get socialized. I was hoping for a win-win. As I reflect upon the afternoon, I think that there was guarded success and that the afternoon was okay. Nothing stressful or terrible happened, I just think that the rhythm of the afternoon was different. It was too busy.
There is nothing like a child or a favored pet to help you stay in the present tense.
Thank goodness for that
.
I realized tonight that I did too much "adult stuff" with my friends this afternoon. Next time I will play more. Just like my puppy today who did not know the correct way to play with the new acquaintance, I will learn and be more deliberate in my time to play with my friends.. I will try my best to look through the eyes of the child-- or the pup-- and see what they may want. Give and Take. I learn so much from preschoolers and puppies.
Today looks like it may be one of those days that requires extra caffeine, lots of sunshine, and a kick in my own keister to accomplish my required work today. I have figuratively set fire to my gratitude journal and it will require a lot of work to rid myself of this funk. I still ask why and wonder how to fix it. Sometimes I just don't get it.
I drove 700 miles this weekend to attend a funeral of a dear friend's mother. The service was touching. She was a much loved lady and her children and grandchildren shared stories of their time together. All the static cleared away with the loss. Daily concerns about money, or repairs needed, or chores were put on hold. No one cared about job hunting, medical queries, or car issues. We just shared a meal and talked about our times with the departed.
The funeral was held in my hometown. It is a small mining town that is depressed economically.There are lots of homes for sale and many empty businesses. The quietness on the streets was eerie. This time I saw my old stomping grounds in a different light.
I truly believe that I am where I should be right now in my life. I take ownership for my actions and know that I can work hard to move forward. It just tears at my heart to see my loved ones battle medical issues that are the size of Mount Everest. Both humans and canines, and none of it seems fair.
I guess it is time to focus on where I want to be, instead of where I am right now.
The control freak that lives inside me does not believe that I cannot fix everything. Maybe the coffee is kicking in-- maybe some much needed perspective is fortifying my outlook? I hope so.
My dogs are huddling close to me this morning. These canines know me best and always offer their silent support. To just "be" in the moment-- that may be the grace in all of this. If I stop the struggle on my side- the resistance will fall apart.
Today my visualization will be holding my hands wide open. There is no guarantee that it will make my lousy mood better, but it cannot hurt to try, right?
I am blessed to have the opportunity to create something new in the pet care market. With much guidance from the Women's Business Center, the Small Business Administration, and the Community-Minded Enterprises, I am writing a Business Plan and testing these new ideas. This time in my life is very exciting, but a bit nerve-wracking too.
I really think that the best lesson that I have learned so far is to just "dive in" and try!
My tendencies are to want to continue to fine tune my project forever. In my mind -I will always need to work on it and improve it. I am very critical of my own work and tend to over-analyze everything concerning dogs.
I love when God gives you signs that you are on the right path.
This new venture started in a classroom and that makes me happy. I finished my college experience last year (when I graduated) and I loved it. School and adult learning agrees with me and makes me happy. Learning can be energizing and I enjoy collaborating with positive people.
Age is not a limitation or barrier. Age can be that enhancement and make a life with value. Experience in many things can gel together to support new ventures. Trust in the integrity of the idea. Surround yourself with people who want to try new things. Listen to their ideas and support their projects too. It is more fun to collaberate than it is to work alone.
When I started this blog I had the grand idea that I would be one of the talented group that could write everyday. I thought that I could count on myself to establish a routine of when to write and the words of substance could flow from the keyboard. I had hoped to use this blog to check in with myself and stay present in my own life. This web log could keep me living in the now-- to check in on my own life. Reality can be different from our grand ideas.
As I look back at what I have written so far, I view my work with kind eyes not critical ones. The point of this is to see my world as I am and to live intentionally. I want to create art (of some kind) and eat an apple each day. I do not take for granted that my Gus comes to find me. I think often of the glimpses of our past selves. I appreciate these markers in my life and enjoy the look back.
Audiobooks in the car are an easy way for me to enjoy books when I am too tired or too busy to read. They are a great way to learn about something new or be carried away to another time by talented voices. My favorite classic in audio form (and maybe top ten in written) is "To Kill A Mockingbird" by Harper Lee-- narrated by Sissy Spacek. Her voice is a perfect "Scout" and I love to listen at home (not driving) with eyes closed. I am transported back to childhood, tree climbing and the perfect father, Atticus Finch.
I wish that I had Atticus to explain to me what I should do when my world is crazy. I am not six years old, but his counsel at times of stress and anxiety would be appreciated. Maybe it is time to check out this one from the library again.
The puppies turned six months old today. They have the energy and the innocence of Scout at six years. There job is to grow up. They just bark at the world when it seems crazy.
When I went to Google to make sure I was spelling Miss Lee's name correctly and to check on the name of the state, the website told me that just today Harper Lee gave permission to allow this work to become an ebook. Incredibly COOL coincidence.
The morning snores of bulldogs napping is music to me. These gentle furry friends stop my "analysis paralysis" and keep me in the present day. I learn so much from my dogs.
I made the mistake of getting on the computer this morning BEFORE I got some work done. Not a good idea. When I do this it tends to put me in a mental slow motion that will stick until I break a sweat at the gym. Contemplation of two separate ideas seems to be how I am starting my Tuesday morning.
The first idea is a relevant quote by Byron Katie- posted today, stating
"Discomfort is the call to set yourself free."
The second idea is a quote on Facebook on George Takei's page: "One awesome thing about Eeyore is that even though he is basically clinically depressed, he still gets invited to participate in adventures and shenanigans with all of his friends And they never expect him to pretend to feel happy, they just love him anyway, and they never leave him behind or ask him to change." This second post is old in the social media world, but is something I should remind myself of daily. Many people in the world deal with depression and some of them are clinically depressed. I need to love them where they are at. They need to love me where I am at. What would the world be like with less struggle and more gratitude? My discomfort would lessen and I would be set free. I know that when I search for the good I always find it. I just need to put on the hip waders and walk through the sh*t. Persevere and get some perspective. These times do not last forever and I can make the most of what is here. I should stop expecting the bad. I am tired. Trust. Faith. Hope.
It is not at the time of loss, because shock sets in and is a needed coping mechanism. At that time the situation is so new that a person scurries and tries to comprehend. The mental paralysis at the time of loss buys the hurting person time.
It is in my nature to want to fix things. My "bulldog stubbornness" and tenacity can be attributed to growing up in a large family with modest means. There was lots of activity in the house and if I wanted to be heard, I better be loud.
It has taken me decades to realize that I cannot fix everything or everyone I love. There is no bravado in the last sentence, just honesty and a guilt that I need to release. How do I release the guilt and not replace it with bitterness?
My inability to repair is not from lack of effort. It is from my naivety in thinking that help is always wanted. Help is not always wanted. This is the place in my brain where I must welcome personal wisdom and grow-- I must not visit bitterness and allow it in. Bitterness will rob me of my present day. This is a struggle because I am tired.
Kindness has to start with me. I have to be kind to myself first and work on my personal repair list. I cannot bring back what I have lost, whether it be a dog or a person or a dream. Baby steps. Two hours at a time. Sunshine on my head as spring approaches.
In the dog world- stepping down is much harder to learn than stepping up.
It is very scary for a puppy to go down the stairs and it takes a long time for them to get the nerve to try. Several times a day the dogs parade through the kitchen door, turn the corner, and go down the steps to the big back yard. The puppies excitedly follow the elders until they get to that first step. They want to be big kids but they hesitate. I am not really sure how long it will be until they master this.Going down is scarier than going up.
The little ones get disappointed when they are left behind on the deck, so Gus often hurries back to be with them. He is the "quiet uncle" compared to our noisy Charlie, but very attentive with the pups.
Do you think that it is harder for people to go down versus going up? I do.
Perhaps for people (and for dogs) going down requires more trust with each step. We must be assured that the placement of our feet is safe and secure so that we will not fall. It feels that we have less control with the descent and that we must contemplate our movements.
When we take steps and climb it is all about completing the task. We will get to the top and to our destination. Every climb is a subconscious goal and a small victory when finished.
I volunteer at a local food bank and each week I interview the clients and do the data intake on our computer. I am blessed to be the voice that can reassure the clients, especially the new ones. I get to be one of the first to meet them and welcome them to our nonprofit. We want our neighbors to know that we care and we are happy to serve. I enjoy this time and respectfully try to make a difference and make it matter.
New clients are often fearful when they come to us- the first time. There is already a lot of stress in their lives before they walk through the doors and something new can be intimidating. Anxiety over a job loss or a health problem creates a vulnerability and sometimes despair. They do not feel safe or secure and they feel like they may fall again. This emergency can feel like a step down or backwards and is depressing.
Whether we step into a food bank (or down some scary stairs) we have to trust that this fear will pass. We can master all of the ups and downs in our lives with help from our faith, family and friends. Whether trivial like the puppy skills that Carson and Lil Blacky are mastering or serious like fleeing domestic violence, all require action and prayer.
Please Lord, remind me that when I go up or when I go down - you are always there with me. Each movement and each day is in your glory and I am humbled by your mercy and love. Please help me with my steps and please help me when I fall.
Gus and I are very happy that we had one honeycrisp apple left in the refrigerator drawer. We needed healthy substance this morning and our cupboards are pretty bare. I had been sick with the flu for the last couple of days so all things domestic are lagging behind schedule.
Yes, my dogs eat apples. They make excellent treats with the fiber, pectin, and vitamin C. The only dogs interested this morning were Gus and one of the puppies-Lil' Blacky. This puppy loves everything that his Uncle Gus loves. Wherever he goes, the young one will follow.
Charlie has joined Gus and I at the computer as I write this blog. He has lost the tug of war (again) with Violet and wants Mom to console him. Violet almost always wins when they play games. She is determined and he is a gentle bubba. I appreciate that Charlie is so gentle. The patience needed for the puppies from the older dogs is real and it is a blessing. Next time Charlie, next time.
All of us would benefit from fresh air but it is too cold to stay outside for very long. The sunshine is lovely though, and greatly appreciated. The snow is needed for the water tables but I am really tired of it.
Gratitude! The honeycrisp apple with my Gus is where I will start today.
When I looked up the word "play" in the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, I liked the definition for play - as a verb- the best. The first meaning said that play is -- "to do activities for fun or enjoyment." The synonyms of this word include "dally, disport, frolic, recreate, rollick,skylark,sport, and toy."
When I looked at the definition as a noun it sounded serious-- "the conduct, course or action of a game." The noun continued to talk of "particular acts or maneuvers regimented in a game."
Fun or enjoyment versus conduct, course or action? I will choose the first. I want to use the word play as an action verb for the rest of my life.
There may be a lot of times in life when things happen that you cannot control. The best laid plans have goof ups. We control freaks of the world try to see our situations from every angle. Anticipation and analysis walk hand in hand with our every move. We use up a lot of our time contemplating the "what ifs" in preparation for the future. Why do we do this? I want to see the world in the "present tense". I want to stop letting life go by while I am making other plans. I want to let go of what did not work out and forgive myself for what I cannot fix. Those are hefty goals.
