repairing the home-

    repairing myself

I am a 58 year old woman, wife, mother and friend who has taken a COVID related sabbatical for almost a year. Stress won that battle, and I chose to step out, but I am mending. I am trying hard to not frown (and sigh) as much as I did in 2020, and I practice deep breathing and gratitude daily.

It is very easy for me to busy myself and not check in. I can fill my time with projects, chores, service for others,etc., and mostly that can be good. I like to be "of service." It is not good when busyness is to avoid or cover up other things.  

Today is the 25th anniversary of my mother's death. I am the child in the family that remembers birthdays and the death days. I remember those precious hours and days before she passed. It hurts to have such loss.That is a huge understatement. Twenty five years of doing this without her can be paralyzing. The silence doesn't get easier with time. I miss the people (dad is gone too) who know me best. 

My husband and I, and our three dogs live in a house in need of repair. We have been in the home for over twenty years and its age is showing. Fixtures have worn out, timed out, and given out. I am in the middle of one of my "busyness projects." I am very aware that I chose to do this "do it myself project" as a way to avoid my grief and my loss of my work community. Its been a rough year and a half. 

I want to use this blog as away to check in with myself. I hope it will keep me in the present tense and that it will allow me to express what is going on in life, death, and everything in between. 

Today I will be happy with whatever I complete. It is a day of possibilities. I will pause when I need too. I will breath deep in the sunshine. I will find reasons to celebrate and I may cry again, if I need too. 

I miss you Ruth Constance Crowley. 

Much love always,

your number 7 of 8

isolation, wrist breaks and writer's block

My dominant hand is my left.
Almost three months ago, I fell on the ice near my mail box and broke my left wrist in two places. In a split second I went from closing my mail box to realizing I crashed hard on the ground. The sheer force of my fall landed on my wrist.

You are not supposed to brace yourself when you fall. 
I just reacted.I never had time to think, If I would have just landed on my back or side, the bruising would have been substantial, but there probably would not have been any breaks.
This icy day has led to many humbling discoveries and way too much time to analyze everything.

In the last ten weeks, I have gone from splint to purple cast to orange cast to brace. I still have three weeks of therapy and strength building. It has been a long winter. 

One of the humbling discoveries that I have made is how hard it is to be isolated. 
Both of my jobs had to be put on hold.  I was forced to do a whole lot of nothing.  I tried to figure out how to do most things with my right hand. I overused it and ended up with a stress fracture and a brace. Oh joy.

My loved ones are awesome and I guess that life goes on. I still whine a bit too much to those who will listen, but I can see the end and my return to my sense of normal.

I hope to learn from this. 

the "o" word

Many people in this world find the "f" word in the English language offensive. While I find it rather boorish and overused, I really do not have a problem with it.
I take offense with the "o" word.  

Before I tell you what the "o" word is, I thought that we could explore some enjoyable words that start with the letter.

Obnoxious. This word is very present tense and unmistakable.
Obsessive. Clear and active word.
Objective. This word is calm but positive.
Optimistic. A pleasant word that is straight forward.
Ornery. This can be good or bad.
Opinionated. Generally, this is a strong word but it can be annoying when it pertains to politics.
Obsolete. This can be a depressing word.

I guess you get the idea. The "o" word that I have a problem with is Ordinary. No other word screams that a person is settling for "less than" more than Ordinary. 

Here's to being ORIGINAL. 

So, when someone asks how we are -lets not settle for "FINE". 
That is another four letter "f" word. Maybe we could just be ORIGINAL and true to ourselves? 

kissing Gus

As a couple, my husband and I are pretty disciplined about our dog walking responsibilities.  We appreciate that our pets need the exercise and the variety of being outdoors getting some fresh air. To prevent boredom for all involved, we often get in the car and take them to the nearby coffee shop. The dogs can work on their social skills with other humans and dogs.  We can see our neighbors and friends and enjoy a beverage.

Our english bulldogs, Gus and his brother Zeke got to go to the coffee shop today with my husband. They loved the walk, met nice people and soaked up a little bit of sunshine. Many people came over and met the boys and a family with a little girl asked some common dog questions. While my husband talked with the parents, the little girl petted the bulldogs.  Then it happened again.  The little girl planted a wet one on Gus's nose. She grabbed his furry jowls and smooched away.My Gus kindly accepted her tender greeting. He loves children, She did not kiss his brother Zeke for some reason.   I do not understand why this keeps happening. 

None of the other dogs get kisses from kiddos-- it's just Gus. It is true that he looks like a big white teddy bear. I like to think that children just know who they can approach that closely. At a young age perhaps children can read the mannerisms of my sweet guy and know that he is all about love.

Whatever you are doing Gus-- keep it up. I think that you have it all figured out.

three dogs at my feet

I love when bulldogs snore.
The sounds of fur children at rest is heart warming and reassuring. No matter how cold it is outside- or how much snow may be in the clouds, right now we can relax and regroup. Our weary bones can rest. The busy day of chores, exercise, errands and grocery shopping is behind us.
Simple Saturday nights filled with snoring dogs, silent cell phones, and super hot water to soak in.
It is safe to say that it is- super.

fresh eyes

Perhaps the new start of the year 2015 will give me the opportunity to see things how they are, not how I want them to be? 
I ask this (as a question to myself) because I realize how emotionally buried I have been for at least the last six months. The intense Summer-- with the care of our little cardiac guy. The Fall-- filled with the grief of running out of ways to help him.
I feel shattered (still)  but realize it is time to resolve to my reality and step forward.

I work with dogs daily at a local dog daycare. I LOVE THE DOGS. 
I appreciate their honesty and authenticity. Dogs stay "present tense" and do not get caught in stories. I am "present tense" with them always- and I can focus on how best to serve them. They respond instantly.  There is no awkward silence-- like there is with humans.

Fresh eyes. New Year. Look to my dogs when I am unsure.

Happy 2015!       I sure hope it will be...

to speak "my truth" and get away from the anger

Have you ever had a day when you wished that you could set fire to ALL (of the world's) gratitude journals, positive reminders, and affirmations?
In the past three months-- I have had way too many of them. 
My bitterness ranges from a small, annoying drip to crashing, powerful ocean waves.
I do not feel in control of this. Grief sucks, and I choose to not look to closely at it.This loss scares the hell out of me.
I don't know if I am going to make it out of the dark this time. Colors look blah, foods taste bland, and even music sounds flat. Often times, there is not enough air in the room --and I must escape.
I have little patience for small talk, and bite my tongue often.
It is easier to push people away. 
Ten and a half month old puppies are not supposed to die. My "senior" dogs (that we lost this year also) had the luxury of time and so many happy memories with us. LB never had that time. We ran out of things to do to help him- and I am pissed about it.
It is easier to try to stay busy than it is to face truth. Easier is not necessarily better or healthier. This is why I am writing again. I am stuck in this oozing wound of loss of our fur babies.
Somehow-- I have to pull the hip waders on and walk through this shit called grief.

  

sometimes you need cruise control in your life

I hesitate to start this post on my blog.
I have got up twice since I decided to try and write.
I want to be honest and real with myself, and keep myself in "present tense" in my own life.
It just happens to be really hard today. I miss you.

Double Pulmonary Stenosis with Partial Heart Failure

Two weeks ago, we lost him.
 I cry-- even when I type the words.

In my head, I know that it is better that he is gone. He fought valiantly. There was no way for him to win. We could not fix it. In my heart, I still feel like I failed.
I guess that it is good that I am  busy. The distractions and obligations can keep me on "auto pilot" while I comprehend this.

This blog is one of the balls that I have dropped.   This is on purpose...
It is very hard to get honest with myself and write. The sadness is too painful to touch.
 I know that we go on.  I will see him again in heaven.
I am just pissed off at this loss in my life.

preschoolers and puppies

Day two at the gym went well today. The introduction of one of the puppies with a friend's adult dog went well also. Two items on my gratitude list. The one thing that I want to work on from today (that comes to mind) is to not take for granted my time with my favorite three year old.

I thought that bringing the puppy would be fun for her. I had hoped that she would like to play with him, and also that the puppy could get socialized. I was hoping for a win-win. As I reflect upon the afternoon, I think that there was guarded success and that the afternoon was okay. Nothing stressful or terrible happened,  I just think that the rhythm of the afternoon was different. It was too busy.

There is nothing like a child or a favored pet to help you stay in the present tense.
Thank goodness for that
.
I realized tonight that I did too much "adult stuff" with my friends this afternoon. Next time I will play more. Just like my puppy today who did not know the correct way to play with the new acquaintance, I will learn and be more deliberate in my time to play with my friends.. I will try my best to look through the eyes of the child-- or the pup-- and see what they may want. Give and Take. I learn so much from preschoolers and puppies.

a Sunday afternoon sweat

After a several month hiatus, we have rejoined our local YMCA. In our household it makes no sense financially, but it makes perfect sense from a health and wellness point of view.

I never thought that I could miss the gym but I did. No, I do not love the exertion or the heart rate increase. I absolutely hate the getting there and the warmup. But-- I do love the endorphins released and the sweat that pours. The cobwebs in my mind are cleared away and my shoulders are not so full of stress. I finally understand and can see it as an opportunity to renew.

This is the start of my birthday week. The actual day is on Friday, but I plan to find ways to be grateful every day. Last year I had grand plans of travel and road trips to take time out and contemplate. That did not happen. With car problems in two of the three family cars, I could not take away the only working vehicle. Life happens. 

The puppies turn ten months old on my birthday also. I am so pleased that they are in this world and we can watch them grow. The owners are great about sharing pictures and I love to see them develop. They are such markers for time passing.  

This week ahead (and the rest of this year) can be full of hope and purpose. It is about choice. It is about living fully -with intention. This is no dress rehearsal -so live it up now! The big things really are the little things of each passing day. Whether it is getting excited about "BLT season" or laughing in the park with friends, the time we have now matters.

Forget the measly checkbook balance, dirty floors, and smelly dogs.
We are enough. We have a safe home. We have wonderful children with fur.
Maybe this is what God has been trying to teach me this year?

I learn a lot by asking for help.

Being a loving, responsible pet owner is important to me.
I am also wise enough to seek help when something stumps me. My many years of life remind me that there is always more to learn-- about myself, my loved ones, and the world around me. I can be patient enough (and persistent enough) to ask the many questions necessary.

This summer is filled with lessons in humility for me. I know that God wants me to learn and I really am willing... I just wish that it wasn't so painful sometimes. 

One of our puppies is incredibly sick. Roughly half of his heart is in failure and he has been turned down by WSU Veterinary School for open heart surgery. We treat him with numerous medications and excellent care from a team of doctors, but it is not fixable. We work incredibly hard for a quality life, not for quantity life. 

Let me say that I would not trade one minute of time with LB for anyone else. I see the grace of our creator in his eyes often. His determination and appreciation of the smallest things is truly wonderful. I do not understand the reasoning behind this pathway in my life but I am trying to comprehend. The children with fur are appreciated and loved almost as much as the adult children.  We are those crazy dog parents, be warned.

As we approach the fall season, I hope that we can find some balance and happiness for our pup and for the whole family. There will be new "starts" in jobs for a couple of us, and changes in many areas of life. I want to be optimistic and thankful.

We are fundraising for the continued care of our heart patient puppy. This is how I am asking for help, on the site gofundme.com for Lil Blackie's Medical Bills. I am trying to loosen my grasp and open up to the Lord's plan. 

My birthday is coming up also, and I hope for laughter with family, friends, and loved ones. I hope it is sunny and warm and peaceful. It's not about things to me, it is all about the experiences. Feeling the love--

I hope that you do too..

when "Perfect" is the enemy of "Good"

I love it when you go to church on Sunday and the homily is still remembered on Tuesday.

I am pleased to say that I have been considering the Priest's words a lot during the last 48 hours. The readings were about Peter and his fears when Jesus walked on the water near the boat. Jesus called for him to come to him and Peter tried but fear got the best of him and he blew it. He called out "Save me Lord!" and Jesus did. He eased his anxieties and helped him. He loved him. He reassured him. All Peter had to do was ask.

I am a stubborn person who is used to doing things in my (mostly) orderly way. Like most people, I just have set patterns and behaviors that work for me. It really isn't that my plans are better than my friends or loved ones-- it is just that I will probably just carry on and try to "get my jobs done." 

Our Priest pointed out the importance of trying your best and being okay with the times that things are not perfect.  He challenged us to look at the times when we don't even try because we are sure that we cannot do it well. Those are the times when "Perfect" is the enemy of "Good." We dismiss new opportunities and challenges that we can probably do. We can learn to do it well or be good at it -in the future. We rob ourselves of the opportunity to suck at something, forgive ourselves, and try again.

It takes a lot of faith to wander into something that is foreign and to try. 

Here's to discovery! 

God still loves us when we blow it.    

Can we be that loving and kind to ourselves?  

banana Laffy Taffy

I went to the local WINCO foods to pick up a few groceries. It was a quick trip because I only needed some produce, coffee, eggs, and raw almonds. The raw almonds are kept in the bulk food section in the back corner of the store.
I had to go through the bulk candy. That is when I saw the bin filled with my latest obsession. Laffy Taffy-- specifically Banana Laffy Taffy.

I do not understand why this confection has caught my attention. It could be that I have baked my brain for too long. in the summer sun.  Perhaps the heat has caused this crazy craving? I will be kind to myself and let this run its course.

Dogs can have food cravings too. No, they are not able to satisfy their urge without human help, but they can enjoy specific foods with an attentive owner.  In our house, it is Lil Blackie who has a favorite food. His interest is more healthy than mine-- he loves WATERMELON. 

Adjusting to the changes in our house without our Kelsey may be the reason why I am having a hard time posting to this blog. I wish that I could write something with substance but it is not in me right now. The world seems quieter without her. The baying of a bloodhound is a sound that I love and that I miss.

Small summer joys are what we will work on at our house for the rest of August. I have got to force myself to laugh each day and search for more ways to make memories with loved ones. Whether we want it to or not- life goes on. Loss and grief sucks.
Hug your dog today. Let the sunshine bake your brain. Why don't you try to find a candy from your childhood that made you happy?     Give your pooch a cube of watermelon   -- he might like it.

trying to limit the steps backward

We all have bad days. The key to getting through the bad day is to look at its relevance in the grand scheme of our lives. I ask myelf if we are doing everything possible to improve the situation in the healthiest way possible. I want to make sure that my efforts are full throttle. Regrets are a b**ch.

As an owner of several dogs, I tend to always have that nagging feeling of being spread too thin. I always hold myself accountable to a very high standard of care for my pets and I always wish that I could do more.

I just returned home from a veterinary appointment with one of the pups. This little guy is monitored weekly for some heart issues and is on several medications. His health is compromised but he doesn't know it. Most of the report from the doctor was good, but there is concern in one area.

Grief is a houseguest at our residence this year. We have suffered the loss of our wonderful bloodhound -only a week ago. She had over ten happy years with us, but it is still so hard. 

It is time for me to focus on the positive and work on the rest. I will carry on.
Enjoy your Thursday.

(we) control freaks need extra guidance and patience

Does completing a task really count if it is undone in under 24 hours?

What if it isn't apparent to anyone else. Does it matter? I need to remember that my reality is my perception. It can change the minute I change my attitude.

Searching for meaning and purpose today.

making it to ten years old

(the wise parenting of Violet,) 

I learn something of value from my pets every day.Often it is Gus's patience, Kelsey's steadfastness, or Carson's gusto. Today it is Violet's natural wisdom in her role as a mother.

If you are of the opinion that dogs do not think or feel, please stop reading this blog NOW. 

This post was started a little over a week ago, before our life changed.  Our eldest canine, a beautful 10 year old bloodhound named Kelsey is pain free in heaven, probably walking on a beach with Q.

I wasn't going to do this to myself on a Monday morning. My girl of ten years is not "sheriffing" the little ones. Our ship has lost its mast. The quiet in our home is painful for my ears.

 Denial just keeps me flat lining. My macabre state of mind may never leave if I do not acknowledge the pain and accept that it is here. It scares the rest of my children with fur, who count on me for their care.

What do you learn from death? I guess it is to respect the present tense of life. I know that this is a "pat" answer, but most of us are caught up in our preparations for the future, or lists, or paying bills. It is very hard to be silent and still.

The aging process for pets can be rough -just like it is for humans. Her issues with ears, teeth, gums, hips, and liver were too much. The aging eyes added fear to the pain.

I would rather be heart broken than have her here- miserable. She would have gladly stayed but don't I owe her more?  The beach, pain free and happy is what she deserves. I will see her again one day.

I will write some other time about my Violet's parenting skills.  

the favorite dog toy

Rainy summer days make it hard for dogs to enjoy the back yard. Rainy summer days make the dogs restless and bored. The puppies pester the seniors and they ALL bicker over the favorite toy of the day. 

The prize today is a sad looking, torn up bunny. If you can picture Peter Rabbit as a Zombie, you have a pretty good visual of the toy.  There is nothing about the bunny that is hazardous or that could cause a choking issue, but the toy is in its last days. As soon as my husband sees it tonight, the toy will be trashed. There will be no stay of execution from him. I buy the toys, the dogs destroy them, and he throws them out. Our family system is efficient and predictable.

The puppies remind me that Mother Nature makes the best toys of all. Rocks, pine cones, and sticks are a blast- until our humans stop us from hurting ourselves. My dogs think that we worry too much.

The sun is trying to make a break through the clouds, so our confinement may be temporary. I hope that this storm is over soon, because the brothers are sick of the puppies wanting to play "bitey face" over and over. Once or twice is fun, but that tenth time is a snore.

Oh -- to have hot weather and to be allowed to play in the wading pool! Maybe our humans will BBQ while we soak? Dinner in the back yard?
Happy times ahead, when the rain stops.

habits (and David Sedaris)

I think that I am jealous of writers who can blog everyday. 
I honestly do not think that they have that much more to say than I do, I just believe they are better disciplined to carve out time to post. The schedules that they have put in place are working for them.
I have to ask --is my schedule is working for me?

I got away from my regular work and commitments this past weekend when I traveled to attend a funeral. I had several hours of "down time" that made me realize that I try to fill every minute at home. So much of what I do in my household is repetitive and is undone daily. Life is just happening while we figure out what to have for dinner.

I feel that I need projects with a clearer beginning and a firm finish line. Then perhaps this static of busyness will not be so blah. To live with more intention I must question what works and what does not.

When my kids were little I used to plan dinners with themes. Sunday we would grill, Monday was Italian, Tuesday was Chinese, etc, etc. This made it easy to set up a grocery list and the family was less bored with my cooking. Maybe I should have themes again?

Monday could be "discover a new part of our hometown". Tuesday could be "classic movie night from the library". Wednesday could be "hike a new trail and ice cream cone night". The possibilities are endless. Discoveries of new craft beers, kayaks, and bicycling are also appealing.

The biggest lesson concerning time that I learned this weekend is that it is finite. Whatever I want to do- I should do it now. 

I hope that you enjoy your day.

sometimes you wish you could b**ch slap an optimist

Today looks like it may be one of those days that requires extra caffeine, lots of sunshine, and a kick in my own keister to accomplish my required work today. I have figuratively set fire to my gratitude journal and it will require a lot of work to rid myself of this funk. I still ask why and wonder how to fix it.
Sometimes I just don't get it.

I drove 700 miles this weekend to  attend a funeral of a dear friend's mother. The service was touching. She was a much loved lady and her children and grandchildren shared stories of their time together. All the static cleared away with the loss. Daily concerns about money, or repairs needed, or chores were put on hold. No one cared about job hunting, medical queries, or car issues. We just shared a meal and talked about our times with the departed.

The funeral was held in my hometown. It is a small mining town that is depressed economically.There are lots of homes for sale and many empty businesses. The quietness on the streets was eerie. This time I saw my old stomping grounds in a different light.  

I truly believe that I am where I should be right now in my life. I take ownership for my actions and know that I can work hard to move forward. It just tears at my heart to see my loved ones battle medical issues that are the size of Mount Everest. Both humans and canines, and none of it seems fair.

I guess it is time to focus on where I want to be, instead of where I am right now. 
The control freak that lives inside me does not believe that I cannot fix everything. Maybe the coffee is kicking in-- maybe some much needed perspective is fortifying my outlook? I hope so.

My dogs are huddling close to me this morning. These canines know me best and always offer their silent support. To just "be" in the moment-- that may be the grace in all of this. If I stop the struggle on my side- the resistance will fall apart.  

Today my visualization will be holding my hands wide open. There is no guarantee that it will make my lousy mood better, but it cannot hurt to try, right?