birthdays of our loved ones

March 29th was my deceased brother Ken's birthday. I wished him the happiest of celebrations up in heaven. In my idea of heaven, a party is still the way to acknowledge the day. I see our loved ones surrounding him and lots of candles on top of a cake.

Yesterday was my living brother Ray's birthday. Today is my living sister Theresa's birthday. What is sad is that I still feel closer to my sibling that is deceased than I do to the two (mentioned) that are alive. The one who is gone courageously fought cancer. The two with April birthdays fight self imposed limits.

I come from a family of eight children. We were raised traditionally with both parents in the home. Our hometown industries centered on open-pit mining, mainly copper and minerals. The winters were hard, the unions were tough and everyone was strong and good looking. (Apologies to Garrison Keillor - I could not resist.)

The posts spread over social media today tell me that it is "Siblings Day". The cynical side of me sighed at the fact that marketers have made up another holiday. I will not rush out and shop so that I can tell my brothers and sisters that they are special. I doubt that any of them will acknowledge it either. That makes me sad. I am not a "hallmark card for every occasion kinda girl" but the distance and misunderstandings between us bother me.

I am not optomistic concerning reconciliation with either one of these siblings. This is not pessimism, I am just a realist. Grudges from years past came through in the last conversations with these two-- and they took me by surprise. I know that I am as stubborn as they are. I wonder if they hurt about it as much as I do? 

Our parents were the "glue" to our family, especially my dad. That job was passed down to sibling #4, but she has passed away also. There are six of us left and at best we are polite to each other. Maybe we are all afraid that we may splinter more?

I will admit that today my hormones are playing a part in this writing. I pray that my children can stay closer than I have with my siblings.

This is another way in nature that dogs are smarter than us.

On Sunday past, four of Violet's pups got together for a play date. This was the first time since going to their new homes almost three months ago. The boys remembered each other. Such happiness to see each other! Simple pleasure of each other's company. There were no worries about the disagreement with Obamacare costs, number of hospital visits, or refusals to give out cell phone numbers. The boys just accept each other where they are at. How evolved is that? 

oreos always seem like a good idea

I am better at ensuring that my dogs eat healthy-- than I am with myself.
I said it. This is a sad but true statement concerning nutrition and well being of all in our household. I feel guilty but glad that there was only an 8 pack of cookies in the house. It could have been a lot worse.

My cookie O D came from too much stress and allowing the cookies in the house. I should know better. All that those circles of chocolate and creamy vanilla center will do to me is keep me awake late at night. They will not improve my health or sleep or help me live longer. Temporary oral pleasure that I will pay for physically (sugar crash) and emotionally (guilt).

My adult dogs were happy and satisfied with the salmon, sweet potato kibble in their bowls at dinner time.The pups were happy with the holistic coastal catch that they dined on tonight.
Why the disconnect for myself?
I think that it is laughable mainly because I am a salt lover -usually not a sugar fan.

We humans make things too complicated. 

Would I be happier with two standard meals a day, served at the same time, in the same dish? Marketing tells us to add variety, more choices, and something new. Do all these choices really improve our lives or add to our stress?

My dogs never need the newest food or fad. They need to stay away from allergy triggers but that is not a taste bud issue, it is about health. Once again I need to do as I say.

laugh everyday, make art everyday and eat an apple

Job hunting is such a test of patience and faith. Even the most optimistic person needs doses of happy to get through the process. I regularly bribe myself with either coffee or time outdoors in the sunshine. Both caffeine and vitamin D stimulate so I can accomplish daily goals.

Without the structure of a traditional job I sometimes flounder and waste precious hours. (example: Why did I surf Facebook for 2 hours? ) What steps forward should a person take hourly-daily-weekly? I would like to use this time in between jobs to really make a difference in my 2014. 

Some recent advice from a job coach included the following; "to avoid burnout, a person should laugh everyday, and make art everyday." I like this plan. It is not as structured (anal) as my counting my steps, which I do- but I am pretty lousy at right now. It is more nurturing than counting my points,which I need to do again. I do not want to talk about weight loss right now.

Three simple things.
It is not so overwhelming. I have a honey crisp in the frig. I better get moving.

my perception is my reality

The morning snores of bulldogs napping is music to me. These gentle furry friends stop my "analysis paralysis" and keep me in the present day. I learn so much from my dogs. 

I made the mistake of getting on the computer this morning BEFORE I got some work done. Not a good idea. When I do this it tends to put me in a mental slow motion that will stick until I break a sweat at the gym. Contemplation of two separate ideas seems to be how I am starting my Tuesday morning.

The first idea is a relevant quote  by Byron Katie- posted today, stating 

"Discomfort is the call to set yourself free." 

The second idea is a quote on Facebook on George Takei's page:  
"One awesome thing about Eeyore is that even though he is basically clinically depressed, he still gets invited to participate in adventures and shenanigans with all of his friends  And they never expect him to pretend to feel happy, they just love him anyway, and they never leave him behind or ask him to change." 

This second post is old in the social media world, but is something I should remind myself of daily. Many people in the world deal with depression and some of them are clinically depressed. I need to love them where they are at. They need to love me where I am at.

What would the world be like with less struggle and more gratitude? My discomfort would lessen and I would be set free. I know that when I search for the good I always find it. I just need to put on the hip waders and walk through the sh*t. Persevere and get some perspective. These times do not last forever and I can make the most of what is here. I should stop expecting the bad. I am tired. 

Trust. Faith. Hope. 

the view of their world

This might be another post that ticks off the grammar police.
My Monday musing is to be jumbled at best and perhaps confusing at worst. Changes and my comprehension of (the changes) need a great amount of caffeine to help me understand--- and we have a small java supply today. 

I feel for my friends who are concerned about word usage, as misspellings seem to bother me, and my eyes stop at the error.  With grammar I tend to look at the entire message of a writing. I am a '"visual" and tend to match a picture to everything I read.   The writer's "voice" in the piece is appreciated and actually quite refreshing. Perfection tends to bore me. Yes, I drove my teachers bonkers because I found it such a snore.

With low coffee consumption and a slim, boring local newspaper- I had time to take pictures this morning and to consider the day ahead. This lovely Monday morning is easier to appreciate because we have sunshine. The sun shining will make it easier to function until I get an americano.

The puppies have finally mastered going down stairs! This is a huge change in their world. This mastery has opened up and expanded the lower half of the house, outside off the deck and the backyard. With new independence, the boys swagger with joy, realizing that "they are big kids now."

I tried to play with my photos and pixlr again. It is fun, but I better work on my list of work today. First on the list is more coffee. :)   Happy Monday. 

when you cannot fix it

Loss is hard.

It is not at the time of loss, because shock sets in and is a needed coping mechanism. At that time the situation is so new that a person scurries and tries to comprehend. The mental paralysis at the time of loss buys the hurting person time.  

It is in my nature to want to fix things. My "bulldog stubbornness" and tenacity can be attributed to growing up in a large family with modest means. There was lots of activity in the house and if I wanted to be heard, I better be loud. 

It has taken me decades to realize that I cannot fix everything or everyone I love. There is no bravado in the last sentence, just honesty and a guilt that I need to release. How do I release the guilt and not replace it with bitterness?

My inability to repair is not from lack of effort. It is from my naivety in thinking that help is always wanted. Help is not always wanted. This is the place in my brain where I must welcome personal wisdom and grow-- I must not visit bitterness and allow it in. Bitterness will rob me of my present day.  This is a struggle because I am tired. 

Kindness has to start with me. I have to be kind to myself first and work on my personal repair list. I cannot bring back what I have lost, whether it be a dog or a person or a dream. Baby steps. Two hours at a time. Sunshine on my head as spring approaches.

It starts right now.

my mom's chicken crepes

Cooking is always more enjoyable if the recipe you are preparing has a family history. Memories can come flooding back while chopping, mixing or baking. I had a memory filled dinner prep time today making my mother's chicken crepes.


When I was a child my mother would let us pick our birthday dinner. For many years, my pick was always the same- her chicken crepes. A couple of times, she would try to talk me into something easier. I always refused to budge from the dinner preference and she would finally agree. Until I started making them years later, I never realized how hard I made her work.

The chicken that is available in the stores today is different than my childhood. Cheap rotisserie chicken to quickly shred was not available. Mom first had to bake or boil the chicken, cool it, then shred and prepare it, as well as make, flip and stuff  the crepes. There were often 8+ people around the dinner table so that equaled a lot of hard work.

I wonder sometimes what my kids will tell their children about my cooking. Will it be the cross country breakfasts on Fridays? Perhaps the greasy eggs and bacon ritual before the high school football games? I really don't know butI hope that whatever they choose will be pleasant. I hope that they try to mimic the favorite dishes and tell their family of when and why it is important to them. 

My dogs study my every move when I work in the kitchen. I swear that I can work on the family evening meal for an hour and they politely watch, but if their ingredients come out of frig (even before the bowls are placed on the counter) then-- it is darn exciting! They are so easy to please. Anyone who thinks that dogs cannot tell time has never been late serving their dinner.

I think that it is because I am feeling old that I share the family history more and more. I hope to pass down history through food, or pictures, or words. This weekend I will get out the deck of cards and tell the boys about Georgetown Lake, hot dogs, sauerkraut and boiled potatoes -and playing gin rummy with my dad.