It is not at the time of loss, because shock sets in and is a needed coping mechanism. At that time the situation is so new that a person scurries and tries to comprehend. The mental paralysis at the time of loss buys the hurting person time.
It is in my nature to want to fix things. My "bulldog stubbornness" and tenacity can be attributed to growing up in a large family with modest means. There was lots of activity in the house and if I wanted to be heard, I better be loud.
It has taken me decades to realize that I cannot fix everything or everyone I love. There is no bravado in the last sentence, just honesty and a guilt that I need to release. How do I release the guilt and not replace it with bitterness?
My inability to repair is not from lack of effort. It is from my naivety in thinking that help is always wanted. Help is not always wanted. This is the place in my brain where I must welcome personal wisdom and grow-- I must not visit bitterness and allow it in. Bitterness will rob me of my present day. This is a struggle because I am tired.
Kindness has to start with me. I have to be kind to myself first and work on my personal repair list. I cannot bring back what I have lost, whether it be a dog or a person or a dream. Baby steps. Two hours at a time. Sunshine on my head as spring approaches.
Cooking is always more enjoyable if the recipe you are preparing has a family history. Memories can come flooding back while chopping, mixing or baking. I had a memory filled dinner prep time today making my mother's chicken crepes.
When I was a child my mother would let us pick our birthday dinner. For many years, my pick was always the same- her chicken crepes. A couple of times, she would try to talk me into something easier. I always refused to budge from the dinner preference and she would finally agree. Until I started making them years later, I never realized how hard I made her work.
The chicken that is available in the stores today is different than my childhood. Cheap rotisserie chicken to quickly shred was not available. Mom first had to bake or boil the chicken, cool it, then shred and prepare it, as well as make, flip and stuff the crepes. There were often 8+ people around the dinner table so that equaled a lot of hard work.
I wonder sometimes what my kids will tell their children about my cooking. Will it be the cross country breakfasts on Fridays? Perhaps the greasy eggs and bacon ritual before the high school football games? I really don't know butI hope that whatever they choose will be pleasant. I hope that they try to mimic the favorite dishes and tell their family of when and why it is important to them.
My dogs study my every move when I work in the kitchen. I swear that I can work on the family evening meal for an hour and they politely watch, but if their ingredients come out of frig (even before the bowls are placed on the counter) then--it is darn exciting! They are so easy to please.Anyone who thinks that dogs cannot tell time has never been late serving their dinner.
I think that it is because I am feeling old that I share the family history more and more. I hope to pass down history through food, or pictures, or words. This weekend I will get out the deck of cards and tell the boys about Georgetown Lake, hot dogs, sauerkraut and boiled potatoes -and playing gin rummy with my dad.
I did one last check of my cell phone before bed last night. I was looking to see if I needed to charge it overnight. It was such a pleasure to see a picture texted to me from a friend.
My eyes welled up with tears. I haven't seen her in a month and when you are a baby -that is a long time. She looks great! Happy and growing into her puppy feet. Her eyes are clear and mischievous, her coat glossy and healthy.
They are four months old now. Each one is unique, interesting and thriving in their new homes. I miss them but I am so happy with the families that each puppy chose.
This is the little girl that lives on the other side of our state with her human dad, Chris. Her name now is Poppy but I called her Avis. I am so glad that I know you.
Many times I have complained that a smart phone is an electronic leash. It can disrupt or distract from the present task. The work day is always extended with required availability for clients. I will not complain today. I want to praise the cell phone with camera and texting now! Sweet milestones can be captured and shared.
Poppy- I am so happy to see you.
Love, your crazy human Grammy
When the kids were younger, I knew the cookie recipe by heart--- half cup butter, half cup peanut butter, half cup white sugar, half cup brown sugar, egg, vanilla,etc, etc. It was easy and I could keep it stored in Tupperware and bake as needed for a dessert or snack.The kids are adults now and I don't bake much. I feel better with less gluten and none of us need the sugar.
Valentine's Day was two weeks ago so I purchased a package of Nestle ready made chocolate chip cookie dough. The square package contained 24 cookies ready to bake. We enjoyed some with the holiday meal but I put the remainder of the package back in the drawer in the refrigerator and promptly forgot about them. I remembered tonight.
The family does not share as many meals as it did when the kids were little. With jobs, school, volunteer work, and outside commitments, there are many days that we never see each other. The stars aligned this evening where we are all in the house at the same time and we were able to share a relaxed meal.
Perhaps the snow fall made it possible for all of us to be together.
The calendar tells us that the month of March has arrived. The month is definitely "coming in like a Lion". Mother Nature thinks that this means that the Pacific Northwest must be buried in snow. Our winter has not been as severe as the East coast- or even Montana in the month of February (where Missoula received 39 inches!) but tonight the clouds are dumping and I am glad to be home.
The fish tacos were tasty and dessert was appreciated. Everyone has left the kitchen and carried on with their evening plans. The only ones with me in the dining room are (of course) the dogs. It is too bad that the cookies had chocolate in them. They were delicious, but if it was just a sugar or a peanut butter -I could have shared them with my children with fur.
In the dog world- stepping down is much harder to learn than stepping up.
It is very scary for a puppy to go down the stairs and it takes a long time for them to get the nerve to try. Several times a day the dogs parade through the kitchen door, turn the corner, and go down the steps to the big back yard. The puppies excitedly follow the elders until they get to that first step. They want to be big kids but they hesitate. I am not really sure how long it will be until they master this.Going down is scarier than going up.
The little ones get disappointed when they are left behind on the deck, so Gus often hurries back to be with them. He is the "quiet uncle" compared to our noisy Charlie, but very attentive with the pups.
Do you think that it is harder for people to go down versus going up? I do.
Perhaps for people (and for dogs) going down requires more trust with each step. We must be assured that the placement of our feet is safe and secure so that we will not fall. It feels that we have less control with the descent and that we must contemplate our movements.
When we take steps and climb it is all about completing the task. We will get to the top and to our destination. Every climb is a subconscious goal and a small victory when finished.
I volunteer at a local food bank and each week I interview the clients and do the data intake on our computer. I am blessed to be the voice that can reassure the clients, especially the new ones. I get to be one of the first to meet them and welcome them to our nonprofit. We want our neighbors to know that we care and we are happy to serve. I enjoy this time and respectfully try to make a difference and make it matter.
New clients are often fearful when they come to us- the first time. There is already a lot of stress in their lives before they walk through the doors and something new can be intimidating. Anxiety over a job loss or a health problem creates a vulnerability and sometimes despair. They do not feel safe or secure and they feel like they may fall again. This emergency can feel like a step down or backwards and is depressing.
Whether we step into a food bank (or down some scary stairs) we have to trust that this fear will pass. We can master all of the ups and downs in our lives with help from our faith, family and friends. Whether trivial like the puppy skills that Carson and Lil Blacky are mastering or serious like fleeing domestic violence, all require action and prayer.
Please Lord, remind me that when I go up or when I go down - you are always there with me. Each movement and each day is in your glory and I am humbled by your mercy and love. Please help me with my steps and please help me when I fall.
Gus and I are very happy that we had one honeycrisp apple left in the refrigerator drawer. We needed healthy substance this morning and our cupboards are pretty bare. I had been sick with the flu for the last couple of days so all things domestic are lagging behind schedule.
Yes, my dogs eat apples. They make excellent treats with the fiber, pectin, and vitamin C. The only dogs interested this morning were Gus and one of the puppies-Lil' Blacky. This puppy loves everything that his Uncle Gus loves. Wherever he goes, the young one will follow.
Charlie has joined Gus and I at the computer as I write this blog. He has lost the tug of war (again) with Violet and wants Mom to console him. Violet almost always wins when they play games. She is determined and he is a gentle bubba. I appreciate that Charlie is so gentle. The patience needed for the puppies from the older dogs is real and it is a blessing. Next time Charlie, next time.
All of us would benefit from fresh air but it is too cold to stay outside for very long. The sunshine is lovely though, and greatly appreciated. The snow is needed for the water tables but I am really tired of it.
Gratitude! The honeycrisp apple with my Gus is where I will start today.
When I looked up the word "play" in the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, I liked the definition for play - as a verb- the best. The first meaning said that play is -- "to do activities for fun or enjoyment." The synonyms of this word include "dally, disport, frolic, recreate, rollick,skylark,sport, and toy."
When I looked at the definition as a noun it sounded serious-- "the conduct, course or action of a game." The noun continued to talk of "particular acts or maneuvers regimented in a game."
Fun or enjoyment versus conduct, course or action? I will choose the first. I want to use the word play as an action verb for the rest of my life.
There may be a lot of times in life when things happen that you cannot control. The best laid plans have goof ups. We control freaks of the world try to see our situations from every angle. Anticipation and analysis walk hand in hand with our every move. We use up a lot of our time contemplating the "what ifs" in preparation for the future. Why do we do this? I want to see the world in the "present tense". I want to stop letting life go by while I am making other plans. I want to let go of what did not work out and forgive myself for what I cannot fix. Those are hefty goals.
