and my Gus comes to find me...

I disappeared into the bedroom tonight to attempt to write this blog. It is a quiet evening and I thought that I would try to review, write and create. This took my Gus by surprise and he searched the house for me. I heard his feet pitter patter down the hall and I realized he was wondering about my location.

I thought that he was asleep when I left him in the family room with my husband and his brother Charlie. He seemed quite content on the tile in front of the fireplace. He noticed that I left and that was not okay with him. I appreciate that. To him I matter and I know that  he loves to spend his time with me.

Connections in life are a treasure and we often get busy and neglect them. Life gets too fast and the to-do list is too long and stress and anxiety set in. There are too many bills and too little money to pay them. The "shoulds" make us feel guilty and we get old.

I want to be like Gus.  

The dog pack in our household has parameters and each dog knows their place. We have a couple of "Alphas" as well as the "Sheriff". The little ones are figuring out the roles they will play. For the most part, everyone gets along and life is good. Gus has never worried too much about how he fits in. He is just a part of it.

At times our family has joked about Gus and his meditative stances. It has been asked if "he is all there". There has been much talk about if he notices or pays attention to his surroundings. I am starting to believe that he has always had us outsmarted and knows exactly what the world offers.

He knows what he wants in his life. He loves deeply. He is loyal, funny, and happy. He never worries and he trusts. Each day is new and fresh to him -and he never holds a grudge.

I want to be like Gus.

There is a sticker in my car that says "Two hours at a time." I see it every time I drive and it is a reminder to me to not look so far ahead. Stop stressing about the future. I should stay present tense and focus on what is right in front of me. Dogs like Gus never need a reminder to stay in the present tense.

He matters to me too.

Dad-- you better be loving him.

I am still at a point where I want to swear at God;
"How the Fuck could you let this happen?"
In my head, I know this is wrong -but I am dealing with a broken heart.

Eventually I will realize and accept the truth - that he is holding me and comforting me, but for now it is too raw. It is Valentine's Day and I know in my head that I am blessed. I also humbly acknowledge that my problems are not as serious as what others are grappling with. It still makes me cry.

I feel that I cannot continue writing a blog if I skip over this loss, but this ten and a half year old gentle giant was more-- so much more-- than I can express on a computer screen.

Q Nelson Spitz

May 29, 2003 to January 21, 2014

when we glimpse our past self

How do you process it when you meet someone new- and that person reminds you of a younger version of yourself?
Is it an enjoyable recognition or is it filled with woeful angst and regret? My spouse had this opportunity this weekend and I must say that his emotions were varied. He saw the fire and passion in this young man and remembered the old days. It made him ask himself where that flame went and if it was extinguished with age.

As we age I think that we all question who we are. A big question that repeats itself is "Am I improving as I get older?" In order to answer this I guess you must consider how to measure the results.

The term "improving" must be qualified so that we can add meaning and worth. We ask if our basic four of physical health, mental well being, family and relationships, and financial well being are positive. Compared to our youth have these categories flourished? Then we consider our future to be better than the past. We have made it better if we can see some elevated, measured touch points in our lives.

Maybe it is because of the New Year that I want to review where I was and set up a plan or map of where to go. I want to be more contemplative or present tense in my own life. 

When I see that person that reminds me of a younger version of myself I hope that I can smile. I hope that she is still similar to the me of today.

sleep patterns

It is the beginning of the year, so most of us are trying to pay attention to our health.
I bought one of those gizmos that you wear on your wrist and it tracks your movement. I can keep track of my activity, sleep, calories, food, blood pressure, etc. At this time I only track the activity and the sleep; or my lack of efficient sleep.
I write about the bulldogs a lot but in posts in the past I have told you about Q. Q is a Great Dane that is 10 &1/2 years old. He is a senior citizen with a loving heart. He is also my reason for inefficient sleep.
Most mothers or spouses learn to sleep with "one ear listening and one eye open". Whether our loved one is young or ill or somehow in need during the night, we are listening and ready to help.
I have considered just getting a baby monitor for Q so that I can sleep in a different bedroom. I have nixed that idea because I see that he finds comfort in the fact that we are in the same room. He wakes in the dark night and searches for reassurance. Many times he is unsure of where he is and his eyes are aged. I enjoy the days I have with him because I know that they are finite.
My attitude adjustment is underway even in my sleep-deprived state of being. I commit to have a "willing heart" daily and recommit each time I fail. My stumbles can be hourly, and are silly if I put them in perspective, but they are mine.
I must cherish the struggle because it is a gift to be alive and still BE struggling.
I understand and appreciate those that have left us at too early of an age. My face reddens with my self centered view.
It is easy to forget how finite life is when I am surrounded by goofy puppies. They are filled with joy and love to play. They wrestle and run and when they tire- they drop and nap. The chorus of snores is reassuring and sweet.
My caffeine consumption will not be decreasing this year. My sleep will continue to be inefficient and I am all right with that. Forgive me if you see me and I appear to be in a fog. For my friend, I don't mind being awake and being there.

  

maybe its not all about "my" plan

I have a few years under my belt. With such personal longevity- why didn't wisdom present itself and take notice in my brain?

It is late at night as I write this and I look around me at my two oldest dogs. These senior dogs are honest and true to their nature. They are comfortable in their own skin and fur. They do not miss the today by worrying about the tomorrow.

I will feel less stifled when I understand what is going to happen in the next month.
But, I will not understand what happens without letting go of control and being open to receive. I cannot accept with a clenched, closed hand- tightly holding on. It must be loose and open and ready to accept.

the image we have of ourselves

Lord, please don't teach me anything new today- I am still struggling with yesterday's work.

One of the few pictures that I have of myself that is framed and on display is from my childhood in Butte. I guess that I was about two and a half years old. I am sitting on the floor in our house surrounded by our dog Sugar's litter of long haired Collie puppies. My hair is in pigtails, and  the smile on my face is lighting up the picture. I guess that even at that young age I knew that I love dogs.

There are days as a dog parent that warm your heart. There are also days that shake you to the core. Often both emotions and everything in between can happen on the same day. The last twenty four hours have presented this full range of emotions for me. From my freaking out at the failed attempt to quickly crate train the puppies last night (slap myself on the forehead)-- to listening to their peaceful snores while typing tonight on my laptop. Such failure and now such contentment in one day.

Perception is Reality. I need to remind myself of this truth about a dozen times a day! I guess Will Rogers said it best with "Don't let yesterday use up too much of today". Staying in the present tense of my own life is difficult. I am a list-maker, multi-tasker, and planner all rolled into one.This is such a challenge ahead of me. I will need more than lucky wishes.

this is what it's all about

When you insert an image in a blog writing you are given the choice of the size of the the picture in relation to the post itself. I chose "large" on purpose and hope that it looks great. The extra large was kind of blurry but I want you to see the happiness in my boy. No matter how clear the photograph is -Charlie's smile -in person- is 100 times better!

I did not get the aerobic/endorphin sweat that I mentioned last post.My mood has improved a little bit. I got some perspective and peace through prayer and quiet time. I feel that this new calendar year will be filled with change and equilibrium restored. Priorities will be clear and that will be celebrated. The beauty of the "present tense" will glare at me if I choose to keep my eyes open and engage. It will be a challenge for me to not get "caught in my own head" and analyze to death. It is in my nature to over think. I must follow Charlie's lead.

The big lug in the picture above gets in trouble more often than the other dogs in my pack. He feels, he acts, and he even reacts before he thinks about what is going on around him. Gut instinct is job one! in his day. That is so different than humans. Maybe Charlie has it right and I have it wrong.

Imagine a world where you made a decision just after your own review. No experts, lawyers, advisers, peers, partners, statisticians, pollsters, or Google if unsure. Just have trust in yourself. Scary or liberating? Maybe it would be wonderful. It might make me smile.