to be brave...

In the dog world- stepping down is much harder to learn than stepping up.

It is very scary for a puppy to go down the stairs and it takes a long time for them to get the nerve to try. Several times a day the dogs parade through the kitchen door, turn the corner, and go down the steps to the big back yard. The puppies excitedly follow the elders until they get to that first step. They want to be big kids but they hesitate. I am not really sure how long it will be until they master this.Going down is scarier than going up.

The little ones get disappointed when they are left behind on the deck, so Gus often hurries back to be with them. He is the "quiet uncle" compared to our noisy Charlie, but very attentive with the pups.

Do you think that it is harder for people to go down versus going up? I do.
Perhaps for people (and for dogs)  going down requires more trust with each step. We must be assured that the placement of our feet is safe and secure so that we will not fall. It feels that we have less control with the descent and that we must contemplate our movements.

When we take steps and climb it is all about completing the task. We will get to the top and to our destination. Every climb is a subconscious goal and a small victory when finished.

I volunteer at a local food bank and each week I interview the clients and do the data intake on our computer. I am blessed to be the voice that can reassure the clients, especially the new ones. I get to be one of the first to meet them and welcome them to our nonprofit. We want our neighbors to know that we care and we are happy to serve. I enjoy this time and respectfully try to make a difference and make it matter.

New clients are often fearful when they come to us- the first time. There is already a lot of stress in their lives before they walk through the doors and something new can be intimidating. Anxiety over a job loss or a health problem creates a vulnerability and sometimes despair. They do not feel safe or secure and they feel like they may fall again. This emergency can feel like a step down or backwards and is depressing.

Whether we step into a food bank (or down some scary stairs) we have to trust that this fear will pass. We can master all of the ups and downs in our lives with help from our faith, family and friends. Whether trivial like the puppy skills that Carson and Lil Blacky are mastering or serious like fleeing domestic violence, all require action and prayer. 

Please Lord, remind me that when I go up or when I go down - you are always there with me. Each movement and each day is in your glory and I am humbled by your mercy and love. Please help me with my steps and please help me when I fall.  

I can learn to be brave with your help.

Honeycrisp apples

Gus and I are very happy that we had one honeycrisp apple left in the refrigerator drawer. We needed healthy substance this morning and our cupboards are pretty bare. I had been sick with the flu for the last couple of days so all things domestic are lagging behind schedule.

Yes, my dogs eat apples. They make excellent treats with the fiber, pectin, and vitamin C. The only dogs interested this morning were Gus and one of the puppies-Lil' Blacky. This puppy loves everything that his Uncle Gus loves. Wherever he goes, the young one will follow.

Charlie has joined Gus and I at the computer as I write this blog. He has lost the tug of war (again) with Violet and wants Mom to console him. Violet almost always wins when they play games. She is determined and he is a gentle bubba. I appreciate that Charlie is so gentle. The patience needed for the puppies from the older dogs is real and it is a blessing.  Next time Charlie, next time.

All of us would benefit from fresh air but it is too cold to stay outside for very long. The sunshine is lovely though, and greatly appreciated. The snow is needed for the water tables but I am really tired of it.

 Gratitude! The honeycrisp apple with my Gus is where I will start today.

to shake it off...

When I looked up the word "play" in the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, I liked the definition for play - as a verb- the best. The first meaning said that play is -- "to do activities for fun or enjoyment." The synonyms of this word include "dally, disport, frolic, recreate, rollick,skylark,sport, and toy."
When I looked at the definition as a noun it sounded serious-- "the conduct, course or action of a game." The noun continued to talk of "particular acts or maneuvers regimented in a game."

Fun or enjoyment versus conduct, course or action? I will choose the first. I want to use the word play as an action verb for the rest of my life. 

There may be a lot of times in life when things happen that you cannot control. The best laid plans have goof ups.  We control freaks of the world try to see our situations from every angle. Anticipation and analysis walk hand in hand with our every move. We use up a lot of our time contemplating the "what ifs" in preparation for the future.
Why do we do this?

I want to see the world in the "present tense". I want to stop letting life go by while I am making other plans. I want to let go of what did not work out and forgive myself for what I cannot fix. Those are hefty goals.

Dogs are not like this. 

They just shake it off.

and my Gus comes to find me...

I disappeared into the bedroom tonight to attempt to write this blog. It is a quiet evening and I thought that I would try to review, write and create. This took my Gus by surprise and he searched the house for me. I heard his feet pitter patter down the hall and I realized he was wondering about my location.

I thought that he was asleep when I left him in the family room with my husband and his brother Charlie. He seemed quite content on the tile in front of the fireplace. He noticed that I left and that was not okay with him. I appreciate that. To him I matter and I know that  he loves to spend his time with me.

Connections in life are a treasure and we often get busy and neglect them. Life gets too fast and the to-do list is too long and stress and anxiety set in. There are too many bills and too little money to pay them. The "shoulds" make us feel guilty and we get old.

I want to be like Gus.  

The dog pack in our household has parameters and each dog knows their place. We have a couple of "Alphas" as well as the "Sheriff". The little ones are figuring out the roles they will play. For the most part, everyone gets along and life is good. Gus has never worried too much about how he fits in. He is just a part of it.

At times our family has joked about Gus and his meditative stances. It has been asked if "he is all there". There has been much talk about if he notices or pays attention to his surroundings. I am starting to believe that he has always had us outsmarted and knows exactly what the world offers.

He knows what he wants in his life. He loves deeply. He is loyal, funny, and happy. He never worries and he trusts. Each day is new and fresh to him -and he never holds a grudge.

I want to be like Gus.

There is a sticker in my car that says "Two hours at a time." I see it every time I drive and it is a reminder to me to not look so far ahead. Stop stressing about the future. I should stay present tense and focus on what is right in front of me. Dogs like Gus never need a reminder to stay in the present tense.

He matters to me too.

Dad-- you better be loving him.

I am still at a point where I want to swear at God;
"How the Fuck could you let this happen?"
In my head, I know this is wrong -but I am dealing with a broken heart.

Eventually I will realize and accept the truth - that he is holding me and comforting me, but for now it is too raw. It is Valentine's Day and I know in my head that I am blessed. I also humbly acknowledge that my problems are not as serious as what others are grappling with. It still makes me cry.

I feel that I cannot continue writing a blog if I skip over this loss, but this ten and a half year old gentle giant was more-- so much more-- than I can express on a computer screen.

Q Nelson Spitz

May 29, 2003 to January 21, 2014